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FIC: Matters of Etiquette (McKay/Sheppard, S1, Repost)
This is a repost of an old SGA fic of mine called Matters of Etiquette -- one of the first I wrote, actually.
It's McShep, it's rated PG-13ish or mild R, and it's all about them visiting a planet where people have to be absolutely polite OR ELSE....
Matters of Etiquette
Aidan Ford knew that it was good to like his job, but sometimes he thought it was a crime that he could have so much fun at briefings.
It wasn't that all of the mission briefings were fun; in fact, most of them were downright boring. But there were a few that were so amusing it made Ford feel guilty to get paid to go and watch the hilarity unfold.
Today was one of those days, a day in which Major Sheppard and Dr. McKay couldn't quite let the briefing proceed without the interjection of their particular brand of teamwork -- basically, they were bitching at each other good-naturedly, as only they could.
Teyla had started the briefing by telling the team and Dr. Weir all she knew about the people that they were planning to visit -- a group called the Benena who had, in Teyla's exact words, "an utmost concern for the maintenance of their society's harmony."
"And what does that entail?" Dr Weir asked interestedly, making Ford think that she wanted to know as much for intellectual curiosity as she did because it was something that could affect the mission.
"They hold visitors to their laws of etiquette," Teyla explained, glancing around at her audience. "They, above all, believe that harmony is maintained through..." she paused, as if trying to think of the correct way to phrase the rest of her statement. "Essentially, the Benena build their society around the principle of politeness. To do less than to be polite, one would offend them greatly."
"I...see," Weir nodded thoughtfully. "And if these protocols are upheld, there's no problem?"
Teyla nodded. "The Benena have always been the greatest of trading partners. They hold themselves to the same ideals and, as long as everyone acts with politeness and respect, we will be welcomed joyously by them and treated as honored guests."
"Politeness? Respect?" Sheppard repeated dubiously, his eyes darting to look at the teammate seated on his right.
"You have a problem with that, John?" Weir asked, gazing at the major as she waited for his answer.
"Well, no," he hastily answered, eyes darting from Weir to his right. "I can be as polite and respectful as the next guy. However, some of us here..." he left his thought unfinished as three pairs of eyes joined him in examining McKay where he sat at Sheppard's right.
McKay, who looked as if he'd only been half-listening was startled to suddenly have everyone staring at him with various expressions of worry, unease and doubt.
"What?" he snapped, glaring at all of them. "Oh please. I can be polite and respectful."
"You can?" Sheppard inquired, clearly disbelieving. "I've never seen you be."
"Just because I don't doesn't mean I can't," McKay told him sourly. "And it isn't my fault that there are so few people worthy of my respect."
"Somehow we always come back to the genius thing, don't we?"
McKay gave Sheppard a smirky half-smile for his wry comment. "Well, Major, I do know almost everything..."
"...about almost everything," Sheppard finished, rolling his eyes. "Yeah, I got it."
Still seeing the doubt on his teammate's faces -- even Teyla's -- McKay looked imploringly toward Weir. "I treat you with respect and politeness, don't I, Elizabeth?"
"Of course, Rodney," she agreed immediately, the hint of amusement in her voice causing McKay to frown at her.
"Maybe we should just leave you here," Sheppard offered, clapping a hand on the scientist's shoulder to get his attention. "It'll be easier on everyone."
"Thank you, Major," McKay said insincerely, "your concern is touching."
"I don't think that will be necessary," Weir sighed, her weary tone at odds with the amusement of a moment before. She'd lost control of the briefing, an event that happened with startling frequency whenever they involved Sheppard and McKay. Turning to Rodney, she added, "And I'm sure that you'll have no trouble being as polite and respectful as Benenian culture dictates."
McKay, looking at Weir's serious face, frowned thoughtfully for a moment, clearly thinking about something. He exchanged a glance with Sheppard. "Maybe I should just stay here."
"Rodney!"
Ford stifled his amusement, ducking his head to hide the grin threatening to blossom on his young face.
Weir's admonishment had quieted both McKay and Sheppard, leaving Weir firmly in control as she returned her attention to Teyla and the actual topic of the mission briefing. "Teyla, is there anything else we need to know about the Benena?"
The young woman nodded, gracefully and patiently having waited for her chance to continue. "Because of the importance they place on hospitality and generosity, the Benena have a tradition of offering anything to visitors that they might like. Therefore we must be careful not to express undue admiration or appreciation of any object that belongs to them for they will give it to us without thought."
"And why shouldn't we do that, exactly?" Ford asked, genuinely perplexed. It seemed to him that if they were willing to give them stuff for no reason...
"We wish to make them equal trading partners, not take advantage of them," Weir answered kindly. "And if we take advantage of this tradition, we won't be upholding it; we'll be disrespecting it."
"Oh, please," McKay snorted, still sore about his team's utter lack of confidence in his ability to be polite and respectful. "It won't be our fault if they have to suck it up and deal with the consequences of their own moral dictates."
Almost in unison, they all glanced at him, Weir looking distinctly apprehensive.
McKay, arms crossed, was still giving off the offended vibes he'd generated during the earlier parts of the briefing. "I'll try not to be swept away with adulation for any Stone Age paraphernalia that these people might have that I'm just dying for," he announced sarcastically. "Of course, I'm making no promises. If they have a spare ZedPM or two lying around, I won't be able to stop myself from being extremely admiring of it."
Weir's lips twitched, as if she wanted to smile. "That's all we can ask of you, Rodney."
Sheppard and McKay shared another glance after which McKay rolled his eyes and Sheppard grinned. "I still think we should just leave him here," John stated again, his grin widening when McKay shot him a long, dirty look.
These were the kind of briefings, Ford admitted to himself, that made the day worthwhile.
****
Despite all of his doubts about McKay's ability to act with politeness and respect -- which hadn't been doubts as much as it had been an easy way to piss him off -- Sheppard admitted that Rodney was handling himself with complete decorum, having not uttered anything remotely like a sarcastic or condescending remark to any of the Benenians. And, since there were no evidence of ZPMs floating around, McKay had behaved perfectly with the sort of ruthless precision that Sheppard could only attribute to his overwhelming need to prove John wrong.
Of course while the Benena might have been safe from McKay's acerbity, John was not. Used to acting as the whetstone for McKay's rapier wit, he could take it in stride. He figured that, in all fairness, Rodney needed some release for all those biting, sarcastic one-liners that were undoubtedly building up in his overactive brain. And, though he might not have as varied a vocabulary or as cutting a sense of humor, he could hold his own in one of their verbal sparring matches.
John gave as good as he got when it came to Rodney.
It probably helped, Sheppard figured, that the Benena were indeed exceedingly nice and polite -- to the point where sometimes it was a bit creepy. However, after a few hours, he'd grown accustomed to the almost-exaggerated forms of courtesy in which they indulged, the smiling deference and the gracious hospitality that they granted to the Atlantis team. Instead of constantly worrying that it was all prelude to being used as a human sacrifice -- sometimes Sheppard couldn't help but be paranoid -- he had begun to enjoy it for what it was. The Benena were a nice, honest people who were willing to trade and who were willing to treat the team like royalty while they were there.
It was approaching dusk on the Benenian planet and, as expected for a people so thoroughly concerned with hospitality, a feast was being given in honor of their guests. In the low light of the setting sun, torches had been lit and low wooden tables had been covered with all sorts of exotic-looking foods and Sheppard found himself sitting at one end of one of the several tables with his knees drawn up awkwardly, McKay in similar straits beside him and the matron of the village and her husband sitting across from him.
While the Benenian couple were busy discussing something with another one of their tribe who'd approached, Sheppard leaned over to talk quietly with McKay. "I'm impressed, Rodney," he murmured softly, so that no one else could hear. "I didn't think you'd actually be able to pull it off."
Rodney gave him a gloating, self-satisfied smile. "Major, self-control is an easy thing to exercise when it is needed. It's just something I don't usually bother with."
"Well, how ever you did it, you did it. You've managed to fool these people into thinking you're sweet and wonderful." Sheppard nodded subtly to the village matron who was still engrossed in another conversation.
His remark earned him a sideways look from Rodney, a strangely provocative glance from beneath half-lidded eyes. "Fool? Major, are you implying that I'm not?"
"What? Sweet and wonderful?" At his friend's answering nod, Sheppard grinned, something a little mysterious. "Oh, no, of course not."
Rodney's eyes lingered on Sheppard's face for a moment as he tried to decide upon a suitably caustic rejoinder, the major just continuing to grin at him in his odd, irreverent way.
"I do hope that you are enjoying the feast, Major Sheppard."
The question, asked by the Benenian woman seated on Rodney's other side, interrupted the moment. She was another village matron, one of two healers that the small community boasted. She, like the other matron, was under the delusional opinion that McKay was a sweet, wonderful guy but she was also under the belief that that description extended to include John Sheppard.
Sheppard looked past Rodney to focus on the matron's wrinkly face. "Ah, we're having a great time, ma'am," he assured her, smiling. "The food's great."
"Yes, everything is wonderful," McKay chimed in, also looking genial.
The healer bowed her head in thanks. "We are honored to have you as guests," she told them in the Benenian formal language, although there was a warmth in her eyes that assured them that she meant it. "It's so rare that we have visitors who boast a pair as fine and young as you two to join us at our table."
"Well, thanks, but Ford and Teyla are much younger than me and Rodney here," Sheppard explained, glancing across the village round until his eyes found where the other two members of his team were seated, themselves surrounded by Benenians.
She nodded. "Yes, and they're very popular among our young people."
McKay, who had been quiet for much too long, spoke up. "Yes, Lt. Ford especially seems to be popular with your young ladies," he observed, only faintly sarcastic as he glanced from where Ford sat with a pretty, young local girl at each elbow to the old healer woman.
Sheppard, taking in the scene of the young lieutenant waving his arms as he spoke and smiling beguiling at the young women, hoped that Ford didn't do something that crossed the line from friendly to very damn impolite and, noticing the adoring looks on the face of one of the young women, he hoped also that his teammate realized that being polite only went so far.
The healer grinned toothily at the same scene, the wrinkles around her eyes crinkling. "Yes, he is a charming young man." She tilted her head to gaze appraisingly at the two men seated at her side. "As are the two of you. I'm sure if circumstances were different, the two of you would be as popular as your friend Ford."
"I'm sure," John agreed, smiling and nodding at the compliment. "We're flattered, ma'am."
"Not that we dislike these circumstances," Rodney hastily added, hoping that there wasn't some other polite way to agree with the old woman's enigmatic statements.
The Benenian shifted her eyes between John and Rodney, a cheekiness tugging at her growing smile. "I don't doubt that. They're very nice circumstances, indeed."
The two teammates exchanged a look and Sheppard was about to give into the temptation to ask what circumstances she was talking about when the whole conversation was cut short by the arrival of the healer's husband to the table, the conversation broadening until it included not only him but the other two Benenians at the table, each wanting to ask Sheppard or McKay any number of questions about Atlantis and their people. Both of them gladly answered whatever questions were directed at them but the matter of circumstances was never addressed again.
****
At the other end of the village banquet, Ford was busy grinning at the lovely Adina, one of the Benenian women who had found him so fascinating since their arrival. She was only one of many, though, and another young Benenian sat at his left, across from him -- basically his place at the banquet table was insulated by pretty, young women.
Ford had no problem with that.
Teyla, a little farther down the table, didn't have quite as many admirers, but she had enough; Ford figured that the remainder of the eligible young Benenians had learned their lesson about Teyla already from one of her earlier visits with the Athosians or that she had already warned them off. Either way, there was only two young men flanking her but Teyla spoke kindly to both of them so Ford decided that she was firmly in control of the situation. After all, it was a situation not unlike one that they'd seen on half a dozen other alien planets where the friendly aliens had been very friendly.
What Ford did find strange was what he saw -- or rather didn't see -- when he looked across the tables to where Major Sheppard and Dr. McKay sat with several of the village's most honored citizens. His two teammates had spent most of the afternoon and early evening meeting with the village elders and was still engaged with them in conversation, McKay currently doing most of the talking while Sheppard watched, nodding at the appropriate occasions. While that in and out itself wasn't extraordinary, upon reflection, Ford did find it a little odd that none of the women were giving the Major a second glance.
That was extremely odd.
There was something about Major Sheppard that just seemed to draw the attention of at least a few local ladies wherever they went. Hell, even Teyla, Ford remembered, had showed undue attention to
Sheppard when they'd first met. It just struck him as...well, strange, that not once had any of the women paid him much attention since they'd gotten there.
The same was true for Dr. McKay but, then, people were usually put off by him as soon as they met him and it wasn't quite so odd. It was weirder that so many of the Benena were under the mistaken impression that the doctor was nice -- of course, they didn't know that it was on pain of retribution by Sheppard and Weir. It was probably why Sheppard had stuck so close to McKay the whole trip: to make sure he didn't let his natural instincts take over and slide back into his usual asshole self.
"Aidan," asked Adina, her lovely black eyes gazing at him in curiosity when she noticed his far-off stare. "Is something wrong?"
"Oh, no," Ford assured her, dragging his focused eyes away from his commanding officer. He glanced back to Adina, his thoughtful frown smoothing into a flirty grin.
"You're certain?" she asked, another Benenian courtesy of speech.
"Well..." Ford considered for a moment and then opened his mouth, just tipsy enough from the local version of moonshine to ask the question on his mind. "I was just wondering -- idle curiosity, really...it's just that the ladies are usually more interested in Major Sheppard when we go on one of these trading missions."
Adina crinkled her nose as she thought, glancing over the torch-lit area to where the Major still sat with McKay, now deep in discussion with each other. "It would be rude to pay him the sort of attention that I've paid to you," she explained, slightly surprised by the question.
"Rude? To the Major?" Ford laughed, letting his eyes rove over the large amount of Adina's tanned skin left visible by her dress. "I don't think he'd think so."
His pretty companion flashed a shy smile, pleased with his appraisal. "Perhaps not," she conceded, "but it would be rude to Dr. McKay."
Aidan wondered for a moment if it was only the result of his alcohol-soaked brain that Adina's statement made so little sense. Then he realized that for a people as courteous as the Benena, it would seem rude to have buxom young women trailing after Sheppard when none were interested in the man joined to his hip. "Naw, he wouldn't mind," Ford told her, slightly editing his statement as his slow synapses reminded him of the Chaya debacle. "I mean, he'd give Major Sheppard some grief about it when we got back but he really wouldn't care."
"Then Dr. McKay is as generous a man as we've thought," Adina said, nodding in absent appreciation of McKay's fine character. "Still, it would be against our customs."
Nothing could have stopped Ford from laughing at that statement. "Ha! Boy, he's got the wool pulled over your eyes."
Adina's very pretty face was a picture of confusion. "Wool?"
Ford smiled indulgently at her, drunkenly waving a dismissive hand in the air. "Never mind."
She grabbed her cup from the low table and took a sip of it. "Why does this intrigue you so?"
He shrugged, reaching for his own cup. "No reason. It's just that usually the girls are falling all over the Major. They usually think he's a pretty neat and interesting guy."
"He is very interesting and handsome," Adina quickly agreed, obviously appreciative as she glanced Sheppard's way again. At the scowl on Ford's face in reaction, she leaned toward him, so close that the loose ends of her hair were brushing against his arms. "But do you truly wish to spend the evening discussing this?"
Seeing the positively wicked gleam in her lovely eyes, Ford realized that the Benena could be more than simply polite.
"Noooooo..."
****
By the time that the oh-so-polite Benena had released their guests from the feast so that they could get some sleep, McKay had been awake very close to twenty-four hours; it had been mid-afternoon Atlantis time when they'd stepped through the gate but only mid-morning on the Benenian planet. Added to the fact that he rarely kept what could be called normal hours, even at the best of times, McKay was so tired that he could barely stay upright on his feet in order to follow the matron that escorted them to their sleeping quarters.
Luckily, he had Sheppard to hold him up until he could find somewhere to pass out, preferably somewhere horizontal and cushioned.
After Teyla and Ford were sent off to wherever they'd been assigned for the night, McKay and Sheppard were ushered to a small, clean hut-like abode that matched the other buildings in construction if not in size. After the smiling matron had left them with their packs in the small hut that Sheppard charmingly nick-named the "mother-in-law cottage," McKay barely managed to get his palette made to his precise specifications before he collapsed on it, flat on his back and gritty eyes staring at the ceiling of the straw-covered roof.
Sheppard took far more time and less precision in arranging his sleeping mats and blankets before he, too, was lying atop them, settling for sleep on his side with one arm tucked under his head as a makeshift pillow.
The night was quiet and cool, and McKay was ready to slip off into sleep, lulled by the warmth of someone close at his side and the stillness of the evening, until...
"I can't believe you pulled it off," Sheppard said after a moment of comfortable silence, something like awe in his voice.
McKay grinned in the darkness, not bothering to turn toward Sheppard as he answered. "I can't believe that Ford didn't create an international incident all by himself the way he was drooling over Adina."
"Maybe drooling is considered polite here," Sheppard offered by way of explanation, watching McKay's profile as he waited for an answer.
Rodney turned his head to look at John who was watching him with a mischievous expression on his face. "And maybe you're more deranged than I thought."
Sheppard smirked at him, eyebrows moving jauntily. "So much for the great and generous McKay," he observed.
"I'm only human," Rodney reminded him loftily, as if it were something easy to forget. He twisted his body until his position mirrored Sheppard's. "And my patience has its limits, boundless though it may seem."
"I'd never have guessed," was John's dry reply as he, too, shifted his position, brushing his knee against McKay's in the process.
"Ha, ha. How droll."
"I knew someday you'd appreciate my sense of humor," Sheppard smiled, his knee moving again.
"I'm stupid with sleep deprivation, Major," he reminded him icily. "Do not consider that an endorsement of your comedic skills."
"That's what I like about you, Rodney," John chuckled. "Always a kind word."
"Kindly keep your words to yourself, if you don't mind," McKay said in what would have been in his usual impatient tone if it hadn't been interrupted by a yawn. "I'm going to sleep."
Still amused, Sheppard murmured a good night and when the negotiations for space and heat were concluded, they finally slept.
****
With the dawn came another large communal meal and the finalization of the trading agreements which meant that the team was one step closer to returning to Atlantis -- a fact that made three out of four of them very happy. Ford seemed a little reluctant to bid Adina farewell but after Sheppard jokingly promised to assign him to the team that would be returning for the pick-up and delivery of the promised goods, they were able to lead him away despite the fact that he grinned stupidly back at her over his shoulder for a good ten minutes.
"Stop that," McKay snapped about nine minutes after they'd left the village. "Unless you are blessed with some sort of enhanced sensory ability that you've been hiding all this time to protect your secret identity, there is no way you can still see the village."
Ford shrugged sheepishly before facing forward once more, murmuring under his breath about scientists who needed to get laid as he moved a few paces ahead of his three teammates. McKay's eyebrows shot up and he opened his mouth to answer but Sheppard caught his attention with a hand laid on his sleeve, shaking his head to dissuade whatever reply the scientist might have had on his tongue.
McKay deferred to Sheppard's strange hand-waving but was clearly disgruntled by that fact, waving his own hands in response.
Teyla decided that it would be an ideal time to quicken her pace and join her young friend, leaving Sheppard and McKay to continue their odd conversation consisting entirely of hand motions and shushing sounds. She quickly matched her stride to Ford's and watched him for a moment before speaking. "Lt. Ford, I had the chance to ask several of the Benena your question this morning before we left and I received a satisfactory if surprising answer."
Ford's brow furrowed as he tried to remember what he'd asked Teyla. "What question?"
"The question you asked me last night after we had retired," she explained, only slightly surprised. "Do you have no memory of our conversation?"
"Uh, last night is kinda...blurry," he said, half in explanation and half in apology.
"I should hope so after all the drinking you did last night," Sheppard added from behind Ford as he and McKay caught up with the younger pair.
"Adina kept filling my glass up," Ford stated defensively. "It would have been impolite to not drink it."
"Uh huh," Sheppard smirked, shaking his head. "A likely story."
"So...don't mind us, Teyla," McKay addressed her with false cheerfulness. "What is this question that the lieutenant had?"
"Lt. Ford was troubled by the fact that Major Sheppard was virtually ignored by the female population of the Benena," the Athosian explained calmly, oblivious to the fact that Ford was flushing guiltily as flashes of memories swept over him.
"Thanks for the concern, Ford," Sheppard teased, "but I'm more than capable of finding my own dates."
"It wasn't like *that*," Aidan grumbled.
"I don't know about the rest of you," McKay cut in, leaning forward until he almost peering over Teyla's shoulder, "but I'm interested in the answer Teyla got from the Benena. How did they explain their lack of interest in the completely uninteresting Major John Sheppard?"
"Hey!" John protested at the smug grin on Rodney's face.
"I think I just answered the question myself, didn't I?"
"Actually, Dr. McKay, the answer I received was most interesting," Teyla spoke up, a thread of teasing in her voice that the good doctor did not detect. "I, too, was confused by some of the differences I had noted between my visits to the Benena with my own people and now with all of you."
"Like?" Sheppard encouraged.
"On all my other visits, the groups were not divided in the same way as they were this time," she explained. "With the exception of Halling, all of our group was seated together and even he was not seated with the eldest leaders of the village."
"I guess we're just special," John grinned, eyes hidden behind his sunglasses.
Rodney snorted and swallowed a very uncomplimentary remark.
"So, I asked one of the matrons," Teyla continued as if she had not been interrupted. "And she explained that it was all based on a misunderstanding."
"About what?" Ford asked, having finally overcome his embarrassment.
"As you know, the Benenian culture is based upon courtesy and unerring politeness," Teyla reminded them, glancing over her shoulder at Rodney.
"Yes, yes, we all remember this from Benenian Culture 101," McKay announced impatiently.
"As such," said Teyla in a quiet, even voice. "Only within their most familiar bonds can they resort to speech and mannerisms that are less than what etiquette dictates. To the Benena, interactions that are less than polite and respectful between two persons on an individual level is a sign of great familiarity."
"Great..." began Sheppard.
"...familiarity?" finished McKay. "Exactly how great are we talking?"
Teyla smiled winningly, still kindly and soft in her actions. "The matrons, seeing the way in which you, Dr. McKay, acted with Major Sheppard assumed that there was a *very* deep connection between the two of you. They assumed that you two were a pair."
"A pair of what?" Sheppard asked suspiciously.
"A pair," she repeated. "A -- what is the correct phrase that you use, Aidan? That you used to describe Dr. Nguyen and Sgt. Smith?"
"A couple," Ford supplied helpfully, controlling his laughter through deep, gasping breaths between each word. "Lovers, mates, spouses..."
"Yes, that is the correct parallel," Teyla nodded. "The Benena call this a pairing. They believed that you and Dr. McKay were paired and they treated you accordingly, as etiquette dictates that a man and his spouse be treated."
Ford couldn't hold it any longer and he began to laugh; first in a series of small sniggers until they grew and he was well on his way to a roaring belly laugh. Only the extremely unsubtle jab of his CO's elbow in his back calmed him down.
"Clearly, their society has some deep-seated issues that I'm not even going to touch," McKay declared after a moment of stunned silence.
"Hey, I've got a question," Sheppard announced, reaching over to stop McKay by grabbing a fistful of his tan jacket. Seeing that their teammates had come to a halt, Ford and Teyla did the same, turning to face their thoughtful CO.
"Yes? And let me go," McKay muttered, yanking himself and his jacket out of Sheppard's grip.
Sheppard, his attention on Teyla, flicked a hand between himself and McKay. "Exactly which of us was supposed to be the man in this relationship?"
"How very twelve of you, Major," McKay rolled his eyes while Ford smothered another chuckle.
Teyla regarded the major somberly. "Dr. McKay, of course." With that, she whirled around and continued down the sunny path to the Stargate.
"What?" Sheppard exclaimed over the sound of Ford's laughter, pointedly ignoring McKay's own twisted expression of amusement. "And what did you mean by "of course," anyway! Teyla!"
As the slightly hung-over Ford followed the major and the doctor down the well-worn path, he decided that, for once, the debriefing might be as much fun as the briefing.
****
Despite the inherent potential for embarrassment that the debriefing had held for various team members, the news of a good trading agreement had mellowed Dr. Weir considerably. So, Ford's flirtation was easily glossed over by Sheppard and Teyla only offered the most rudimentary of explanations about the "pair" mishap, a retelling that earned the affected two members of the team nothing more than a raised eyebrow and slight uptwist of a lip from their leader. The briefing had turned out to be, in the collective opinion of the team, mercifully quick and once the medical exams were completed -- Carson’s ears ringing in the aftermath -- Rodney McKay was finally able to return to his room for twenty-four hours of well-deserved rest and leisure, hours that McKay had very specific plans for.
"So the Benenians consider this foreplay?"
"John, this is foreplay," Rodney sighed after he managed to drag his mouth away from John's throat. "If you don't know that, then either you are as dumb as you look or I'm doing something wrong."
McKay's plans for his downtime had been simple: food, sex and sleep, not necessarily in that order. Having to explain the meaning of foreplay to his bed partner had not been on his list of things to do.
Looking decidedly mussed laid out under Rodney on the bed, John frowned, shaking his head as if to clear it. "No, I didn't mean that. I meant -- this."
Rodney buried his head against John's shoulder in exasperation before answering. "Again, you've confused me. To most people of Earth -- and probably a great many other planets -- this is foreplay." Rodney brushed his lips against John's throat, just inside the collar of his shirt. "My lips here and..." He shifted his weight to remind John of where he had his hands firmly planted on Rodney's thighs. "Your hands there and..."
"Rodney!" John sounded exasperated himself but Rodney was more likely to think the exclamation had been induced by him subtly rocking against the body trapped beneath his than by any emotion of irritation. However, despite the physical stimulus, John seemed strangely adamant to continue with the conversation. "I meant that they consider the fighting we do -- what, foreplay? A sign of affection?"
"They think," Rodney began in the aggravated lecture tone that he usually reserved for the labs, a tone which was seriously at odds with the actions of his hands -- the systematic removal of John's shirt and then his own, "that since you being rude and inconsiderate doesn't send me off to the tribal council or whatever demanding retribution..." He paused to trail kisses along John's exposed collarbone, " ...that I must like you enough not to want you to suffer whatever terrible punishment awaits those who don't take their happy pill every morning." The words happy and pill were punctuated by a sweep of his hand down John's chest, fingers dangerously close to the waistband of his trousers.
"Me, rude and inconsiderate to you?" Even as his own hands joined in the fun, John couldn't quite hide his disbelief.
"That's what I said. Aren't you paying attention?" Rodney murmured against his stubbly cheek, hands playing over the rough fabric of John's pants, teasing him through the layers of cloth.
John groaned.
"It's kinda hard to pay attention when you're doing that," he commented, stifling another groan as he threw his head back against the pillows.
Those damn infuriating hands disappeared and Rodney's weight shifted. "I could stop."
"I could kill you, too," John replied hotly, reaching up to drag Rodney back down on top of him, his mouth moving hungrily against Rodney's as he pulled him down.
"How completely alpha of you," Rodney panted when they parted. "Don't forget who's the man in this relationship."
"Bastard," he groused, doing some teasing of his own.
"No, the great and generous McKay," he stated smugly, blue eyes glittering and mouth kiss-swollen. "Please, John, do try to keep up with me. I know it's difficult but..."
"I still don't know how you deluded those people into thinking you were anything but an arrogant bastard," he countered, his hands wandering absently over every inch of skin he could reach while Rodney leaned over him: arms, the strangely soft skin of the inside of the elbow, chest rough with hair...
"So you don't think I'm great and generous," Rodney was frowning, an expression not conducive to sex in the slightest.
"Hell, no," John stated. "I know you."
The frown became a wicked smile and something devilish sparked in his eyes. "How about we see if I can't change your mind about that?" The tone was deceptively mild and John was wary but not wary enough to admit defeat.
Sheppard grinned fiercely, challengingly. "Not gonna happen."
McKay's expression matched his, wildly arrogant. "We'll see about that."
John, who had endured torture a time or two under combat situations, remained confident that he would not break under whatever Rodney had planned for all about a minute -- the length of time it took Rodney's sure caresses to slide from his chest to his pants. It wavered but remained mostly intact as Rodney resumed his teasing touches, and John even managed to bite back a few groans when those fingers moved expertly in a way that Rodney knew drove him wild.
But when Rodney smiled down at him and calmly began to remove his belt, John knew he was fighting a losing battle.
And by the time the belt had been tossed across the room, his fly lowered and Rodney's hand no longer separated from his heated flesh by the cloth of his pants or his boxers, John knew he was a goner.
"What do you say now?" Rodney asked smugly, applying just the right amount of pressure to make any attempt of John's to stifle his moans useless.
"If you'd just..." John asked -- because even if he wanted to, he did not beg or plead. Even if he really wanted to.
Unfortunately for him, Rodney was ruthless and downright evil when it came to winning an argument. "Let's recap -- who's the great and generous McKay?" His hand moved again and John groaned and they both knew that victory was Rodney's.
"That would be...you," John acknowledged breathlessly. His reward was a quickening of the hand's maddening pace and a deep, bruising kiss that left his head reeling.
"Very good! You are keeping up."
"Bastard," John growled again when the hand was removed completely from his boxers.
"You forgot arrogant," Rodney reminded him as he wriggled, both of them shifting and sliding as John tried to lose the rest of his clothing.
"Yeah, that, too," John mumbled absently as they rolled around awkwardly in the narrow space, writhing and twisting as pants and underwear were divested, flung carelessly across the room to land somewhere on the floor. They finally settled, Rodney again leaning over John, sweat-dampened skin sliding against skin as they moved in tandem, trying to find a position that was both comfortable and conducive to sex. Not an easy compromise to find on the narrow beds in Atlantis but when the negotiation was interspersed with mind-numbingly good kisses, tangling limbs and roaming hands, it wasn't such a bad exercise, in either Sheppard's or McKay's opinion.
"So, are we finished with our discussion of the Benenians?" Rodney wanted to know, managing to form a coherent sentence despite the bubbling incoherence John's attention to his nipples was inducing. John found Rodney's ability to talk at such moments both extraordinary and annoying, especially since he couldn't do it himself.
"Yes," was gasped out against skin, more exhalation than sound.
"Good," Rodney nodded, eyes rolling back in his head as he grabbed for any available part of John he could reach. "Then let's get back to actual foreplay, shall we?"
John's mouth curved into a smile against Rodney's skin. "This is actual foreplay, Rodney. If you don't know that then..."
Rodney buried his hands in John's hair and forced him to meet his eyes. "Just shut up, okay?"
Seeing the glazed look of desire in Rodney's eyes, John hastily agreed and put the Benena firmly out of his mind as it was filled with much more pleasant and immediate concerns: where the hell had he put the lube the last time they'd done this and why the hell had he ever told Rodney he was ticklish behind his knees?
And right before all rational coherence fled, John had one last thought -- that, when it came to Rodney, rude and inconsiderate were probably as much signs of affection as anything else but he couldn't imagine being half of a better pair.
The end.
It's McShep, it's rated PG-13ish or mild R, and it's all about them visiting a planet where people have to be absolutely polite OR ELSE....
Matters of Etiquette
Aidan Ford knew that it was good to like his job, but sometimes he thought it was a crime that he could have so much fun at briefings.
It wasn't that all of the mission briefings were fun; in fact, most of them were downright boring. But there were a few that were so amusing it made Ford feel guilty to get paid to go and watch the hilarity unfold.
Today was one of those days, a day in which Major Sheppard and Dr. McKay couldn't quite let the briefing proceed without the interjection of their particular brand of teamwork -- basically, they were bitching at each other good-naturedly, as only they could.
Teyla had started the briefing by telling the team and Dr. Weir all she knew about the people that they were planning to visit -- a group called the Benena who had, in Teyla's exact words, "an utmost concern for the maintenance of their society's harmony."
"And what does that entail?" Dr Weir asked interestedly, making Ford think that she wanted to know as much for intellectual curiosity as she did because it was something that could affect the mission.
"They hold visitors to their laws of etiquette," Teyla explained, glancing around at her audience. "They, above all, believe that harmony is maintained through..." she paused, as if trying to think of the correct way to phrase the rest of her statement. "Essentially, the Benena build their society around the principle of politeness. To do less than to be polite, one would offend them greatly."
"I...see," Weir nodded thoughtfully. "And if these protocols are upheld, there's no problem?"
Teyla nodded. "The Benena have always been the greatest of trading partners. They hold themselves to the same ideals and, as long as everyone acts with politeness and respect, we will be welcomed joyously by them and treated as honored guests."
"Politeness? Respect?" Sheppard repeated dubiously, his eyes darting to look at the teammate seated on his right.
"You have a problem with that, John?" Weir asked, gazing at the major as she waited for his answer.
"Well, no," he hastily answered, eyes darting from Weir to his right. "I can be as polite and respectful as the next guy. However, some of us here..." he left his thought unfinished as three pairs of eyes joined him in examining McKay where he sat at Sheppard's right.
McKay, who looked as if he'd only been half-listening was startled to suddenly have everyone staring at him with various expressions of worry, unease and doubt.
"What?" he snapped, glaring at all of them. "Oh please. I can be polite and respectful."
"You can?" Sheppard inquired, clearly disbelieving. "I've never seen you be."
"Just because I don't doesn't mean I can't," McKay told him sourly. "And it isn't my fault that there are so few people worthy of my respect."
"Somehow we always come back to the genius thing, don't we?"
McKay gave Sheppard a smirky half-smile for his wry comment. "Well, Major, I do know almost everything..."
"...about almost everything," Sheppard finished, rolling his eyes. "Yeah, I got it."
Still seeing the doubt on his teammate's faces -- even Teyla's -- McKay looked imploringly toward Weir. "I treat you with respect and politeness, don't I, Elizabeth?"
"Of course, Rodney," she agreed immediately, the hint of amusement in her voice causing McKay to frown at her.
"Maybe we should just leave you here," Sheppard offered, clapping a hand on the scientist's shoulder to get his attention. "It'll be easier on everyone."
"Thank you, Major," McKay said insincerely, "your concern is touching."
"I don't think that will be necessary," Weir sighed, her weary tone at odds with the amusement of a moment before. She'd lost control of the briefing, an event that happened with startling frequency whenever they involved Sheppard and McKay. Turning to Rodney, she added, "And I'm sure that you'll have no trouble being as polite and respectful as Benenian culture dictates."
McKay, looking at Weir's serious face, frowned thoughtfully for a moment, clearly thinking about something. He exchanged a glance with Sheppard. "Maybe I should just stay here."
"Rodney!"
Ford stifled his amusement, ducking his head to hide the grin threatening to blossom on his young face.
Weir's admonishment had quieted both McKay and Sheppard, leaving Weir firmly in control as she returned her attention to Teyla and the actual topic of the mission briefing. "Teyla, is there anything else we need to know about the Benena?"
The young woman nodded, gracefully and patiently having waited for her chance to continue. "Because of the importance they place on hospitality and generosity, the Benena have a tradition of offering anything to visitors that they might like. Therefore we must be careful not to express undue admiration or appreciation of any object that belongs to them for they will give it to us without thought."
"And why shouldn't we do that, exactly?" Ford asked, genuinely perplexed. It seemed to him that if they were willing to give them stuff for no reason...
"We wish to make them equal trading partners, not take advantage of them," Weir answered kindly. "And if we take advantage of this tradition, we won't be upholding it; we'll be disrespecting it."
"Oh, please," McKay snorted, still sore about his team's utter lack of confidence in his ability to be polite and respectful. "It won't be our fault if they have to suck it up and deal with the consequences of their own moral dictates."
Almost in unison, they all glanced at him, Weir looking distinctly apprehensive.
McKay, arms crossed, was still giving off the offended vibes he'd generated during the earlier parts of the briefing. "I'll try not to be swept away with adulation for any Stone Age paraphernalia that these people might have that I'm just dying for," he announced sarcastically. "Of course, I'm making no promises. If they have a spare ZedPM or two lying around, I won't be able to stop myself from being extremely admiring of it."
Weir's lips twitched, as if she wanted to smile. "That's all we can ask of you, Rodney."
Sheppard and McKay shared another glance after which McKay rolled his eyes and Sheppard grinned. "I still think we should just leave him here," John stated again, his grin widening when McKay shot him a long, dirty look.
These were the kind of briefings, Ford admitted to himself, that made the day worthwhile.
****
Despite all of his doubts about McKay's ability to act with politeness and respect -- which hadn't been doubts as much as it had been an easy way to piss him off -- Sheppard admitted that Rodney was handling himself with complete decorum, having not uttered anything remotely like a sarcastic or condescending remark to any of the Benenians. And, since there were no evidence of ZPMs floating around, McKay had behaved perfectly with the sort of ruthless precision that Sheppard could only attribute to his overwhelming need to prove John wrong.
Of course while the Benena might have been safe from McKay's acerbity, John was not. Used to acting as the whetstone for McKay's rapier wit, he could take it in stride. He figured that, in all fairness, Rodney needed some release for all those biting, sarcastic one-liners that were undoubtedly building up in his overactive brain. And, though he might not have as varied a vocabulary or as cutting a sense of humor, he could hold his own in one of their verbal sparring matches.
John gave as good as he got when it came to Rodney.
It probably helped, Sheppard figured, that the Benena were indeed exceedingly nice and polite -- to the point where sometimes it was a bit creepy. However, after a few hours, he'd grown accustomed to the almost-exaggerated forms of courtesy in which they indulged, the smiling deference and the gracious hospitality that they granted to the Atlantis team. Instead of constantly worrying that it was all prelude to being used as a human sacrifice -- sometimes Sheppard couldn't help but be paranoid -- he had begun to enjoy it for what it was. The Benena were a nice, honest people who were willing to trade and who were willing to treat the team like royalty while they were there.
It was approaching dusk on the Benenian planet and, as expected for a people so thoroughly concerned with hospitality, a feast was being given in honor of their guests. In the low light of the setting sun, torches had been lit and low wooden tables had been covered with all sorts of exotic-looking foods and Sheppard found himself sitting at one end of one of the several tables with his knees drawn up awkwardly, McKay in similar straits beside him and the matron of the village and her husband sitting across from him.
While the Benenian couple were busy discussing something with another one of their tribe who'd approached, Sheppard leaned over to talk quietly with McKay. "I'm impressed, Rodney," he murmured softly, so that no one else could hear. "I didn't think you'd actually be able to pull it off."
Rodney gave him a gloating, self-satisfied smile. "Major, self-control is an easy thing to exercise when it is needed. It's just something I don't usually bother with."
"Well, how ever you did it, you did it. You've managed to fool these people into thinking you're sweet and wonderful." Sheppard nodded subtly to the village matron who was still engrossed in another conversation.
His remark earned him a sideways look from Rodney, a strangely provocative glance from beneath half-lidded eyes. "Fool? Major, are you implying that I'm not?"
"What? Sweet and wonderful?" At his friend's answering nod, Sheppard grinned, something a little mysterious. "Oh, no, of course not."
Rodney's eyes lingered on Sheppard's face for a moment as he tried to decide upon a suitably caustic rejoinder, the major just continuing to grin at him in his odd, irreverent way.
"I do hope that you are enjoying the feast, Major Sheppard."
The question, asked by the Benenian woman seated on Rodney's other side, interrupted the moment. She was another village matron, one of two healers that the small community boasted. She, like the other matron, was under the delusional opinion that McKay was a sweet, wonderful guy but she was also under the belief that that description extended to include John Sheppard.
Sheppard looked past Rodney to focus on the matron's wrinkly face. "Ah, we're having a great time, ma'am," he assured her, smiling. "The food's great."
"Yes, everything is wonderful," McKay chimed in, also looking genial.
The healer bowed her head in thanks. "We are honored to have you as guests," she told them in the Benenian formal language, although there was a warmth in her eyes that assured them that she meant it. "It's so rare that we have visitors who boast a pair as fine and young as you two to join us at our table."
"Well, thanks, but Ford and Teyla are much younger than me and Rodney here," Sheppard explained, glancing across the village round until his eyes found where the other two members of his team were seated, themselves surrounded by Benenians.
She nodded. "Yes, and they're very popular among our young people."
McKay, who had been quiet for much too long, spoke up. "Yes, Lt. Ford especially seems to be popular with your young ladies," he observed, only faintly sarcastic as he glanced from where Ford sat with a pretty, young local girl at each elbow to the old healer woman.
Sheppard, taking in the scene of the young lieutenant waving his arms as he spoke and smiling beguiling at the young women, hoped that Ford didn't do something that crossed the line from friendly to very damn impolite and, noticing the adoring looks on the face of one of the young women, he hoped also that his teammate realized that being polite only went so far.
The healer grinned toothily at the same scene, the wrinkles around her eyes crinkling. "Yes, he is a charming young man." She tilted her head to gaze appraisingly at the two men seated at her side. "As are the two of you. I'm sure if circumstances were different, the two of you would be as popular as your friend Ford."
"I'm sure," John agreed, smiling and nodding at the compliment. "We're flattered, ma'am."
"Not that we dislike these circumstances," Rodney hastily added, hoping that there wasn't some other polite way to agree with the old woman's enigmatic statements.
The Benenian shifted her eyes between John and Rodney, a cheekiness tugging at her growing smile. "I don't doubt that. They're very nice circumstances, indeed."
The two teammates exchanged a look and Sheppard was about to give into the temptation to ask what circumstances she was talking about when the whole conversation was cut short by the arrival of the healer's husband to the table, the conversation broadening until it included not only him but the other two Benenians at the table, each wanting to ask Sheppard or McKay any number of questions about Atlantis and their people. Both of them gladly answered whatever questions were directed at them but the matter of circumstances was never addressed again.
****
At the other end of the village banquet, Ford was busy grinning at the lovely Adina, one of the Benenian women who had found him so fascinating since their arrival. She was only one of many, though, and another young Benenian sat at his left, across from him -- basically his place at the banquet table was insulated by pretty, young women.
Ford had no problem with that.
Teyla, a little farther down the table, didn't have quite as many admirers, but she had enough; Ford figured that the remainder of the eligible young Benenians had learned their lesson about Teyla already from one of her earlier visits with the Athosians or that she had already warned them off. Either way, there was only two young men flanking her but Teyla spoke kindly to both of them so Ford decided that she was firmly in control of the situation. After all, it was a situation not unlike one that they'd seen on half a dozen other alien planets where the friendly aliens had been very friendly.
What Ford did find strange was what he saw -- or rather didn't see -- when he looked across the tables to where Major Sheppard and Dr. McKay sat with several of the village's most honored citizens. His two teammates had spent most of the afternoon and early evening meeting with the village elders and was still engaged with them in conversation, McKay currently doing most of the talking while Sheppard watched, nodding at the appropriate occasions. While that in and out itself wasn't extraordinary, upon reflection, Ford did find it a little odd that none of the women were giving the Major a second glance.
That was extremely odd.
There was something about Major Sheppard that just seemed to draw the attention of at least a few local ladies wherever they went. Hell, even Teyla, Ford remembered, had showed undue attention to
Sheppard when they'd first met. It just struck him as...well, strange, that not once had any of the women paid him much attention since they'd gotten there.
The same was true for Dr. McKay but, then, people were usually put off by him as soon as they met him and it wasn't quite so odd. It was weirder that so many of the Benena were under the mistaken impression that the doctor was nice -- of course, they didn't know that it was on pain of retribution by Sheppard and Weir. It was probably why Sheppard had stuck so close to McKay the whole trip: to make sure he didn't let his natural instincts take over and slide back into his usual asshole self.
"Aidan," asked Adina, her lovely black eyes gazing at him in curiosity when she noticed his far-off stare. "Is something wrong?"
"Oh, no," Ford assured her, dragging his focused eyes away from his commanding officer. He glanced back to Adina, his thoughtful frown smoothing into a flirty grin.
"You're certain?" she asked, another Benenian courtesy of speech.
"Well..." Ford considered for a moment and then opened his mouth, just tipsy enough from the local version of moonshine to ask the question on his mind. "I was just wondering -- idle curiosity, really...it's just that the ladies are usually more interested in Major Sheppard when we go on one of these trading missions."
Adina crinkled her nose as she thought, glancing over the torch-lit area to where the Major still sat with McKay, now deep in discussion with each other. "It would be rude to pay him the sort of attention that I've paid to you," she explained, slightly surprised by the question.
"Rude? To the Major?" Ford laughed, letting his eyes rove over the large amount of Adina's tanned skin left visible by her dress. "I don't think he'd think so."
His pretty companion flashed a shy smile, pleased with his appraisal. "Perhaps not," she conceded, "but it would be rude to Dr. McKay."
Aidan wondered for a moment if it was only the result of his alcohol-soaked brain that Adina's statement made so little sense. Then he realized that for a people as courteous as the Benena, it would seem rude to have buxom young women trailing after Sheppard when none were interested in the man joined to his hip. "Naw, he wouldn't mind," Ford told her, slightly editing his statement as his slow synapses reminded him of the Chaya debacle. "I mean, he'd give Major Sheppard some grief about it when we got back but he really wouldn't care."
"Then Dr. McKay is as generous a man as we've thought," Adina said, nodding in absent appreciation of McKay's fine character. "Still, it would be against our customs."
Nothing could have stopped Ford from laughing at that statement. "Ha! Boy, he's got the wool pulled over your eyes."
Adina's very pretty face was a picture of confusion. "Wool?"
Ford smiled indulgently at her, drunkenly waving a dismissive hand in the air. "Never mind."
She grabbed her cup from the low table and took a sip of it. "Why does this intrigue you so?"
He shrugged, reaching for his own cup. "No reason. It's just that usually the girls are falling all over the Major. They usually think he's a pretty neat and interesting guy."
"He is very interesting and handsome," Adina quickly agreed, obviously appreciative as she glanced Sheppard's way again. At the scowl on Ford's face in reaction, she leaned toward him, so close that the loose ends of her hair were brushing against his arms. "But do you truly wish to spend the evening discussing this?"
Seeing the positively wicked gleam in her lovely eyes, Ford realized that the Benena could be more than simply polite.
"Noooooo..."
****
By the time that the oh-so-polite Benena had released their guests from the feast so that they could get some sleep, McKay had been awake very close to twenty-four hours; it had been mid-afternoon Atlantis time when they'd stepped through the gate but only mid-morning on the Benenian planet. Added to the fact that he rarely kept what could be called normal hours, even at the best of times, McKay was so tired that he could barely stay upright on his feet in order to follow the matron that escorted them to their sleeping quarters.
Luckily, he had Sheppard to hold him up until he could find somewhere to pass out, preferably somewhere horizontal and cushioned.
After Teyla and Ford were sent off to wherever they'd been assigned for the night, McKay and Sheppard were ushered to a small, clean hut-like abode that matched the other buildings in construction if not in size. After the smiling matron had left them with their packs in the small hut that Sheppard charmingly nick-named the "mother-in-law cottage," McKay barely managed to get his palette made to his precise specifications before he collapsed on it, flat on his back and gritty eyes staring at the ceiling of the straw-covered roof.
Sheppard took far more time and less precision in arranging his sleeping mats and blankets before he, too, was lying atop them, settling for sleep on his side with one arm tucked under his head as a makeshift pillow.
The night was quiet and cool, and McKay was ready to slip off into sleep, lulled by the warmth of someone close at his side and the stillness of the evening, until...
"I can't believe you pulled it off," Sheppard said after a moment of comfortable silence, something like awe in his voice.
McKay grinned in the darkness, not bothering to turn toward Sheppard as he answered. "I can't believe that Ford didn't create an international incident all by himself the way he was drooling over Adina."
"Maybe drooling is considered polite here," Sheppard offered by way of explanation, watching McKay's profile as he waited for an answer.
Rodney turned his head to look at John who was watching him with a mischievous expression on his face. "And maybe you're more deranged than I thought."
Sheppard smirked at him, eyebrows moving jauntily. "So much for the great and generous McKay," he observed.
"I'm only human," Rodney reminded him loftily, as if it were something easy to forget. He twisted his body until his position mirrored Sheppard's. "And my patience has its limits, boundless though it may seem."
"I'd never have guessed," was John's dry reply as he, too, shifted his position, brushing his knee against McKay's in the process.
"Ha, ha. How droll."
"I knew someday you'd appreciate my sense of humor," Sheppard smiled, his knee moving again.
"I'm stupid with sleep deprivation, Major," he reminded him icily. "Do not consider that an endorsement of your comedic skills."
"That's what I like about you, Rodney," John chuckled. "Always a kind word."
"Kindly keep your words to yourself, if you don't mind," McKay said in what would have been in his usual impatient tone if it hadn't been interrupted by a yawn. "I'm going to sleep."
Still amused, Sheppard murmured a good night and when the negotiations for space and heat were concluded, they finally slept.
****
With the dawn came another large communal meal and the finalization of the trading agreements which meant that the team was one step closer to returning to Atlantis -- a fact that made three out of four of them very happy. Ford seemed a little reluctant to bid Adina farewell but after Sheppard jokingly promised to assign him to the team that would be returning for the pick-up and delivery of the promised goods, they were able to lead him away despite the fact that he grinned stupidly back at her over his shoulder for a good ten minutes.
"Stop that," McKay snapped about nine minutes after they'd left the village. "Unless you are blessed with some sort of enhanced sensory ability that you've been hiding all this time to protect your secret identity, there is no way you can still see the village."
Ford shrugged sheepishly before facing forward once more, murmuring under his breath about scientists who needed to get laid as he moved a few paces ahead of his three teammates. McKay's eyebrows shot up and he opened his mouth to answer but Sheppard caught his attention with a hand laid on his sleeve, shaking his head to dissuade whatever reply the scientist might have had on his tongue.
McKay deferred to Sheppard's strange hand-waving but was clearly disgruntled by that fact, waving his own hands in response.
Teyla decided that it would be an ideal time to quicken her pace and join her young friend, leaving Sheppard and McKay to continue their odd conversation consisting entirely of hand motions and shushing sounds. She quickly matched her stride to Ford's and watched him for a moment before speaking. "Lt. Ford, I had the chance to ask several of the Benena your question this morning before we left and I received a satisfactory if surprising answer."
Ford's brow furrowed as he tried to remember what he'd asked Teyla. "What question?"
"The question you asked me last night after we had retired," she explained, only slightly surprised. "Do you have no memory of our conversation?"
"Uh, last night is kinda...blurry," he said, half in explanation and half in apology.
"I should hope so after all the drinking you did last night," Sheppard added from behind Ford as he and McKay caught up with the younger pair.
"Adina kept filling my glass up," Ford stated defensively. "It would have been impolite to not drink it."
"Uh huh," Sheppard smirked, shaking his head. "A likely story."
"So...don't mind us, Teyla," McKay addressed her with false cheerfulness. "What is this question that the lieutenant had?"
"Lt. Ford was troubled by the fact that Major Sheppard was virtually ignored by the female population of the Benena," the Athosian explained calmly, oblivious to the fact that Ford was flushing guiltily as flashes of memories swept over him.
"Thanks for the concern, Ford," Sheppard teased, "but I'm more than capable of finding my own dates."
"It wasn't like *that*," Aidan grumbled.
"I don't know about the rest of you," McKay cut in, leaning forward until he almost peering over Teyla's shoulder, "but I'm interested in the answer Teyla got from the Benena. How did they explain their lack of interest in the completely uninteresting Major John Sheppard?"
"Hey!" John protested at the smug grin on Rodney's face.
"I think I just answered the question myself, didn't I?"
"Actually, Dr. McKay, the answer I received was most interesting," Teyla spoke up, a thread of teasing in her voice that the good doctor did not detect. "I, too, was confused by some of the differences I had noted between my visits to the Benena with my own people and now with all of you."
"Like?" Sheppard encouraged.
"On all my other visits, the groups were not divided in the same way as they were this time," she explained. "With the exception of Halling, all of our group was seated together and even he was not seated with the eldest leaders of the village."
"I guess we're just special," John grinned, eyes hidden behind his sunglasses.
Rodney snorted and swallowed a very uncomplimentary remark.
"So, I asked one of the matrons," Teyla continued as if she had not been interrupted. "And she explained that it was all based on a misunderstanding."
"About what?" Ford asked, having finally overcome his embarrassment.
"As you know, the Benenian culture is based upon courtesy and unerring politeness," Teyla reminded them, glancing over her shoulder at Rodney.
"Yes, yes, we all remember this from Benenian Culture 101," McKay announced impatiently.
"As such," said Teyla in a quiet, even voice. "Only within their most familiar bonds can they resort to speech and mannerisms that are less than what etiquette dictates. To the Benena, interactions that are less than polite and respectful between two persons on an individual level is a sign of great familiarity."
"Great..." began Sheppard.
"...familiarity?" finished McKay. "Exactly how great are we talking?"
Teyla smiled winningly, still kindly and soft in her actions. "The matrons, seeing the way in which you, Dr. McKay, acted with Major Sheppard assumed that there was a *very* deep connection between the two of you. They assumed that you two were a pair."
"A pair of what?" Sheppard asked suspiciously.
"A pair," she repeated. "A -- what is the correct phrase that you use, Aidan? That you used to describe Dr. Nguyen and Sgt. Smith?"
"A couple," Ford supplied helpfully, controlling his laughter through deep, gasping breaths between each word. "Lovers, mates, spouses..."
"Yes, that is the correct parallel," Teyla nodded. "The Benena call this a pairing. They believed that you and Dr. McKay were paired and they treated you accordingly, as etiquette dictates that a man and his spouse be treated."
Ford couldn't hold it any longer and he began to laugh; first in a series of small sniggers until they grew and he was well on his way to a roaring belly laugh. Only the extremely unsubtle jab of his CO's elbow in his back calmed him down.
"Clearly, their society has some deep-seated issues that I'm not even going to touch," McKay declared after a moment of stunned silence.
"Hey, I've got a question," Sheppard announced, reaching over to stop McKay by grabbing a fistful of his tan jacket. Seeing that their teammates had come to a halt, Ford and Teyla did the same, turning to face their thoughtful CO.
"Yes? And let me go," McKay muttered, yanking himself and his jacket out of Sheppard's grip.
Sheppard, his attention on Teyla, flicked a hand between himself and McKay. "Exactly which of us was supposed to be the man in this relationship?"
"How very twelve of you, Major," McKay rolled his eyes while Ford smothered another chuckle.
Teyla regarded the major somberly. "Dr. McKay, of course." With that, she whirled around and continued down the sunny path to the Stargate.
"What?" Sheppard exclaimed over the sound of Ford's laughter, pointedly ignoring McKay's own twisted expression of amusement. "And what did you mean by "of course," anyway! Teyla!"
As the slightly hung-over Ford followed the major and the doctor down the well-worn path, he decided that, for once, the debriefing might be as much fun as the briefing.
****
Despite the inherent potential for embarrassment that the debriefing had held for various team members, the news of a good trading agreement had mellowed Dr. Weir considerably. So, Ford's flirtation was easily glossed over by Sheppard and Teyla only offered the most rudimentary of explanations about the "pair" mishap, a retelling that earned the affected two members of the team nothing more than a raised eyebrow and slight uptwist of a lip from their leader. The briefing had turned out to be, in the collective opinion of the team, mercifully quick and once the medical exams were completed -- Carson’s ears ringing in the aftermath -- Rodney McKay was finally able to return to his room for twenty-four hours of well-deserved rest and leisure, hours that McKay had very specific plans for.
"So the Benenians consider this foreplay?"
"John, this is foreplay," Rodney sighed after he managed to drag his mouth away from John's throat. "If you don't know that, then either you are as dumb as you look or I'm doing something wrong."
McKay's plans for his downtime had been simple: food, sex and sleep, not necessarily in that order. Having to explain the meaning of foreplay to his bed partner had not been on his list of things to do.
Looking decidedly mussed laid out under Rodney on the bed, John frowned, shaking his head as if to clear it. "No, I didn't mean that. I meant -- this."
Rodney buried his head against John's shoulder in exasperation before answering. "Again, you've confused me. To most people of Earth -- and probably a great many other planets -- this is foreplay." Rodney brushed his lips against John's throat, just inside the collar of his shirt. "My lips here and..." He shifted his weight to remind John of where he had his hands firmly planted on Rodney's thighs. "Your hands there and..."
"Rodney!" John sounded exasperated himself but Rodney was more likely to think the exclamation had been induced by him subtly rocking against the body trapped beneath his than by any emotion of irritation. However, despite the physical stimulus, John seemed strangely adamant to continue with the conversation. "I meant that they consider the fighting we do -- what, foreplay? A sign of affection?"
"They think," Rodney began in the aggravated lecture tone that he usually reserved for the labs, a tone which was seriously at odds with the actions of his hands -- the systematic removal of John's shirt and then his own, "that since you being rude and inconsiderate doesn't send me off to the tribal council or whatever demanding retribution..." He paused to trail kisses along John's exposed collarbone, " ...that I must like you enough not to want you to suffer whatever terrible punishment awaits those who don't take their happy pill every morning." The words happy and pill were punctuated by a sweep of his hand down John's chest, fingers dangerously close to the waistband of his trousers.
"Me, rude and inconsiderate to you?" Even as his own hands joined in the fun, John couldn't quite hide his disbelief.
"That's what I said. Aren't you paying attention?" Rodney murmured against his stubbly cheek, hands playing over the rough fabric of John's pants, teasing him through the layers of cloth.
John groaned.
"It's kinda hard to pay attention when you're doing that," he commented, stifling another groan as he threw his head back against the pillows.
Those damn infuriating hands disappeared and Rodney's weight shifted. "I could stop."
"I could kill you, too," John replied hotly, reaching up to drag Rodney back down on top of him, his mouth moving hungrily against Rodney's as he pulled him down.
"How completely alpha of you," Rodney panted when they parted. "Don't forget who's the man in this relationship."
"Bastard," he groused, doing some teasing of his own.
"No, the great and generous McKay," he stated smugly, blue eyes glittering and mouth kiss-swollen. "Please, John, do try to keep up with me. I know it's difficult but..."
"I still don't know how you deluded those people into thinking you were anything but an arrogant bastard," he countered, his hands wandering absently over every inch of skin he could reach while Rodney leaned over him: arms, the strangely soft skin of the inside of the elbow, chest rough with hair...
"So you don't think I'm great and generous," Rodney was frowning, an expression not conducive to sex in the slightest.
"Hell, no," John stated. "I know you."
The frown became a wicked smile and something devilish sparked in his eyes. "How about we see if I can't change your mind about that?" The tone was deceptively mild and John was wary but not wary enough to admit defeat.
Sheppard grinned fiercely, challengingly. "Not gonna happen."
McKay's expression matched his, wildly arrogant. "We'll see about that."
John, who had endured torture a time or two under combat situations, remained confident that he would not break under whatever Rodney had planned for all about a minute -- the length of time it took Rodney's sure caresses to slide from his chest to his pants. It wavered but remained mostly intact as Rodney resumed his teasing touches, and John even managed to bite back a few groans when those fingers moved expertly in a way that Rodney knew drove him wild.
But when Rodney smiled down at him and calmly began to remove his belt, John knew he was fighting a losing battle.
And by the time the belt had been tossed across the room, his fly lowered and Rodney's hand no longer separated from his heated flesh by the cloth of his pants or his boxers, John knew he was a goner.
"What do you say now?" Rodney asked smugly, applying just the right amount of pressure to make any attempt of John's to stifle his moans useless.
"If you'd just..." John asked -- because even if he wanted to, he did not beg or plead. Even if he really wanted to.
Unfortunately for him, Rodney was ruthless and downright evil when it came to winning an argument. "Let's recap -- who's the great and generous McKay?" His hand moved again and John groaned and they both knew that victory was Rodney's.
"That would be...you," John acknowledged breathlessly. His reward was a quickening of the hand's maddening pace and a deep, bruising kiss that left his head reeling.
"Very good! You are keeping up."
"Bastard," John growled again when the hand was removed completely from his boxers.
"You forgot arrogant," Rodney reminded him as he wriggled, both of them shifting and sliding as John tried to lose the rest of his clothing.
"Yeah, that, too," John mumbled absently as they rolled around awkwardly in the narrow space, writhing and twisting as pants and underwear were divested, flung carelessly across the room to land somewhere on the floor. They finally settled, Rodney again leaning over John, sweat-dampened skin sliding against skin as they moved in tandem, trying to find a position that was both comfortable and conducive to sex. Not an easy compromise to find on the narrow beds in Atlantis but when the negotiation was interspersed with mind-numbingly good kisses, tangling limbs and roaming hands, it wasn't such a bad exercise, in either Sheppard's or McKay's opinion.
"So, are we finished with our discussion of the Benenians?" Rodney wanted to know, managing to form a coherent sentence despite the bubbling incoherence John's attention to his nipples was inducing. John found Rodney's ability to talk at such moments both extraordinary and annoying, especially since he couldn't do it himself.
"Yes," was gasped out against skin, more exhalation than sound.
"Good," Rodney nodded, eyes rolling back in his head as he grabbed for any available part of John he could reach. "Then let's get back to actual foreplay, shall we?"
John's mouth curved into a smile against Rodney's skin. "This is actual foreplay, Rodney. If you don't know that then..."
Rodney buried his hands in John's hair and forced him to meet his eyes. "Just shut up, okay?"
Seeing the glazed look of desire in Rodney's eyes, John hastily agreed and put the Benena firmly out of his mind as it was filled with much more pleasant and immediate concerns: where the hell had he put the lube the last time they'd done this and why the hell had he ever told Rodney he was ticklish behind his knees?
And right before all rational coherence fled, John had one last thought -- that, when it came to Rodney, rude and inconsiderate were probably as much signs of affection as anything else but he couldn't imagine being half of a better pair.
The end.
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