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FIC: An Earlier Heaven - Charles/Erik, XMFC - (12/13)
Title: An Earlier Heaven (12/13)
Author: Regann
Pairing: Charles/Erik (XMFC)
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~5,100 for the chapter (total: 65,000)
Warnings: mpreg
Disclaimer: I don't own anything; I just play with them.
Notes: None.
Summary: In the wake of Cuba, Charles and his students are ready to pick up the pieces and work toward achieving Charles's dream of a safe haven for young mutants. Those plans, however, take a surprising turn thanks to a very unexpected complication. As he slowly builds a future for his students and for his child, Charles struggles with the loss of Erik and the secrets he's willing to keep to protect his family, but those strides are shattered when Erik makes a startling reappearance into his life. [mpreg, kidfic, ensemble]
Previous Parts available at LJ, DW and AO3.
An Earlier Heaven (part 12)
As fall swept over the manor, Charles found himself even busier than he'd expected. The addition of three new pupils to his small student body was more complicating than he'd realized it would be, with so many different age groups and learning levels now represented among them. It offered a new educational challenge that had Charles dedicating more of his time to teaching the fundamentals than he had in the past semesters. Adding to that complication was Jean who, at close to fifteen months, had taken to walking like a duck to water; keeping up with her, along with the other students, was proving enough to keep all of them busy for quite awhile.
There had been no further communication from Erik, not since Jean's birthday, but Charles tried not to give up hope. He knew that Erik and Raven were well because Hank still received regular letters from Raven, and he'd even received a few himself. His sister didn't mention Erik in her missives and Charles could admit that he was too proud to ask outright. Knowing that he was safe would have to suffice until Erik decided to initiate contact on his own.
Truth be told, life was full enough that Charles seldom had a chance to ponder the problem of Erik, which was a blessing in disguise. The only time he really allowed himself to think about him was in the quiet moments he had with Jean, when she would look at him out of her eyes in a certain way or make a certain face that was so reminiscent of her absent father that Charles couldn't stop himself from thinking of him. Those moments were coming more and more as she grew up, he realized, as her features changed with age. It was a strangely thrilling development to look forward to, getting to see the way she'd continue to change and grow over the coming months and years.
Just like the weather, his boys continue to settle with the change of season, a calm among the group that seemed unique in the years since they'd come to the manor as a group. Hank was coming out of his self-imposed exile, finally becoming confident enough in his new form that he didn't shy away from the looks he received from the new students or from the friendly contact he received from people other than Charles, Alex or Sean. If Charles tried to explain the change in his demeanor, he would say that Hank was enthusiastic again, exhibiting an excitement that had been missing for a long time. Charles knew that this change had a lot to do with his correspondence with Raven and he mentally sent out his gratitude in the vain wish that the miles that separated them wouldn't matter given the connection they'd once shared.
Alex was experiencing a similar blossoming thanks to the dual influence of more authority over the students and the steadying presence of Darwin at his side. All those years ago, Charles hadn't had the time to notice how quickly and resolutely the two of them had bonded, but he'd become aware of it later, first when he'd struggled to help Alex deal with his grief over Darwin's death before the Cuban mission, and then later when Darwin's absence had been another hole in Alex's heart after Raven and Erik had left. His return had not only brought back a valued member of their family but it had helped Alex in ways Charles knew he'd never have been able to without that miracle. In retrospect, their fast friendship reminded him a little of himself and Erik, a parallel that didn't even bring with it the wistfulness it might have at one time.
Sean continued to have a deft hand at dealing with their younger students, at ways of making them all feel at home and welcomed even when they missed their families desperately. It was a knack that Charles had, too, but only thanks to his telepathy, so it was a marvel to watch Sean work his magic without that support. For all they teased the young man for the occasionally unfortunate things that sometimes came out of his mouth, he was showing a maturity beyond his years when it came to role in the academy and he was so amazing with Jean that Charles despaired to think of what they would've done without him. Even if Jean's first words hadn't been "Banshee," it wouldn't surprise Charles if some facsimile of "Sean" wasn't within her first ten.
He just hoped that another sudden and dramatic appearance by their former teammates wouldn't upset the equilibrium they'd all found.
Charles had his answer soon enough, on a late September afternoon when they least expected a visitor to disrupt their schedules. He and Hank were finishing up a session in Cerebro, going over the results from the last few uses to find ways to calibrate its amplification and data recordings to better respond to Charles's needs when a knock came at the door to the room where they housed it. A moment later, Darwin's head appeared, looking serious but apologetic.
"Sorry to interrupt, but I think you're needed upstairs," he said to Charles, not even bothering to step inside.
Charles could sense his urgency, but it wasn't an emergency. He frowned. "What's wrong?"
Darwin looked startled. "You can't sense it?"
"Cerebro leaves him a little...patchy," Hank admitted. "He has to give himself some time to, ah..."
"It's like a high," Charles explained. "The words Hank is dancing around are 'come down,' I believe the vernacular is."
"So you don't know who just stopped by?" Darwin asked.
"No," Charles answered. "Who?"
If possible, Darwin looked even more concerned. "Erik."
Charles immediately understood the sentiment. "By himself?"
Darwin nodded. "And without his helmet," he added, and Charles breathed a sigh of relief. "Not that that matters much if you can't use your powers."
"I'm spotty, not helpless," Charles assured him. "I'll readjust soon enough. And I work better at close range. Is he waiting for me?"
"Yeah, he asked to speak to you," Darwin told him. "I left him and Alex exchanging menacing glares to come look for you."
The thought of Alex and Erik left alone for any length of time without supervision galvanized Charles into movement. Even if Alex had mostly come to terms with his feelings toward Erik, Charles didn't see any reason to test his resolve on the point. "You're right, I am needed upstairs," he said, already pushing himself toward the door that Darwin held open. "Hopefully we'll get there before we have to referee them."
As they moved closer to the pair in question and the residual effects of Cerebro continued to fade, Charles could sense them both, enough to know that they were both whole and intact. Still, it surprised neither he nor Darwin to find the two of them still locked in a glaring match when they reached the foyer. Alex's was more openly hostile, but Erik had had years to perfect his cool, disdainful gaze. It helped keep Erik's so chilling because he was honestly more baffled than irritated by Alex's lingering resentment, which only reminded Charles of how easily Erik still could miss the obvious answer even when it was presented to him.
"Erik," he said aloud once he reached the foyer, watching as two sets of eyes swung his way. "This is a surprise."
Erik's expression was difficult to decipher, which made it even harder for Charles to resist the temptation to skim his mind for deeper meaning. Still, he resisted. "I wanted to talk to you," Erik said, now ignoring Alex and Darwin.
Charles waited a beat, thinking, before he nodded. "Of course, we can go into my study." To Alex, he said, "Thank you, Alex, for keeping Erik company until I made it up here. But don't you have something...?"
Alex's scowl faltered. "Are you sure? I could hang out if you needed me to."
It was Erik's turn to glare at Alex but Charles shook his head. "No, it'll be fine. Go on."
Alex wasn't convinced and it took Darwin gently tugging him away by the arm before he finally headed out, still shooting warning glances at Erik over his shoulder.
Charles shook his head a little, amused. "Come on," he told Erik. "It won't take long for him to double back."
Erik was silent on their way to the study which was fine with Charles because he was still trying to decide how he felt about this unexpected visit. Again, Erik had come without his helmet or the other trappings of Magneto, but he'd come alone without Raven. Did that mean something was wrong? A cursory read of Erik's mental state reminded him much of how Darwin's had been when he'd announced Erik's arrival -- urgent, nervous but not a true emergency. What, then, had brought Erik there after months of silence?
Erik had barely closed the door behind them before Charles was speaking, getting his worst fears out of the way. "It's not Raven, is it?"
"Raven?" Erik echoed.
"She's not hurt or anything?" Charles asked. "She didn't come with you, so I can't help but wonder if..."
"No, nothing like that," Erik assured him, taking a seat in the chair closest to Charles. "She's well. This isn't about her."
Charles relaxed a little. "Thank you," he said, although he wasn't precisely certain what he was thanking him for. "So you came here to see me about something else?"
Erik nodded.
Charles waited for a moment, but Erik didn't say anything else. "You're going to have start," he reminded him. "I can't tell myself why you're here."
That amused Erik, tugging at one corner of his mouth as he relaxed a little, losing some of the militant tension in his shoulders. "I'm actually certain you could, Charles."
Charles smiled back. "Still, conversations work better when I don't have them all by myself," he said. "So tell me what brings you here."
Erik's expression regained the terseness it had lost the moment before. "I meant what I said at Jean's party," he began. "I don't want to miss any more of her life. She's my daughter, too."
"Yes, she is," Charles agreed.
"I know you planned on keeping her from me," Erik continued. "But I was under the impression that we'd come to some kind of agreement against that the last time I came here."
"I think we both know it's too late for me to do such a thing," Charles said. "Now that you know, you'd never let me get away with it."
"No, I wouldn't," he admitted. "It's...important to me. She's important to me."
There was nothing but honesty in Erik as he spoke, a fact that made something in Charles's chest clutch painfully, but in a good way. "I won't keep her from you, Erik," he said. "As long as you come like this, without...everything else, you'll always be allowed to see her. You and Raven are always welcome to visit, although I can't say that I'm willing to extend that privilege to all of your associates. But to you and Raven, our doors will always be open...if you want to come by."
Erik looked down at his hands for a moment, clearly searching for the words he needed to express what he was feeling. Charles let the silence linger and kept his powers close, refusing to violate Erik's trust by searching for them in his mind. After what seemed like an eternity, Erik spoke. "What if I don't just want to visit her? What if I want more than that?"
The question made Charles go icy all over because it was so close to what his fears had been in those first months after Erik had found out, concern that Erik would send Azazel in the middle of the night to abscond with Jean and take her half-way across the world. That sounded like what Erik was suggesting now, that he be able to do more than just visit Jean and, as giving as Charles wanted to be on the point, there was no way he could imagine letting anyone walk out the door with Jean -- not even Erik, not even after the tentative truce they'd forged on the matter of their daughter.
"Erik," he began, already using his mind to reach out to Sean who had Jean with him, to make sure that she was safe and sound and where she was supposed to be. "I...I don't want to be unreasonable but I can't...I can't do that. If you're suggesting that I let you take Jean from here, I can't allow that. I'm sorry, but I can't."
"That's not what I meant," he said, shaking his head a little, frustrated by his own inarticulateness. It was strong enough that Charles could sense it without any extension of his powers.
Erik's eyes met his and Charles could see it there, along with a yearning for something that he couldn't name, something that Erik obviously couldn't put into words. "Then what did you mean?" he asked. "Again, I can't say anything until you tell me what you want me to know."
"I did come to speak to you about Jean, about being part of her life," Erik said. "But that's not the only thing I wanted to talk to you about. There was other matters that I want your opinion on, but there...I've never been one for talking, Charles, you know that. It's difficult."
"I seem to remember we did fine with conversation," Charles teased gently. "I don't think you're as bad at it as you think."
Erik met his eyes again, something lighter in their depths. It eased Charles's concern to see it. "Yes, philosophy, ideology, politics...I'm sure we could still talk all day on those things without trouble. But this -- what I've come to say is more important than that. At least to me and, hopefully, to you."
"I will listen," Charles promised. "I'll listen to every word you have to say, for as long as you need me to. We've shared so much between us, my friend. What are a few more words?"
Erik's eyes were pale and serious, burning with an intensity Charles hadn't seen in a long time, not directed at him without anger as their source. But there was no anger in them at that moment. "Everything," he said. "They may be everything."
**
In all his decision-making, Erik had never given thought to what it would be like to force the words out of his throat, to open his mouth and admit to the thoughts tumbling around in his head. He had things he needed to say that he'd never said to another soul before and he had no experience to fall back on. He grappled with the things he wanted to say, even as they hammered at his skull to be let loose -- words of apology, words that explained the changes to his hopes and dreams, words that admitted that he was willing to accept he might've been wrong, that he was willing to compromise to find out.
As he struggled express it all verbally, Erik wished for a moment that he was willing to just let Charles read it all from his mind, saving him from the frustration he felt in that moment, but he couldn't, both for himself and for Charles. These were words he needed to say and, he was fairly certain, they were words Charles needed to hear if they had any chance.
Erik shifted in his chair, still searching for a place to start. "I don't think we're ever going to agree about the humans," he said, because it was important to make sure Charles understood on this point. "I think when they find out about us, they're going to come after us and they're going to do it with everything they can. I won't watch mutants suffer at their hands."
"I hope you don't think that because I'm not an advocate for mass human genocide that I wouldn't protect my students, my family or any mutant I knew needed my help," Charles replied. "I may have hope that we'll be able to make humans accept us but I'm not going to allow our kind's annihilation either."
Erik knew it intellectually but it was easy to forget the nuance of Charles's philosophies sometimes, when all he could see were the gulfs between them instead of the bridges that connected their worldviews. He acknowledged Charles's words with a quick nod. "I'm just trying to be honest with you. I want you to understand exactly where I'm coming from with what I have to say."
"So this isn't the main event?" Charles said with an echo of humor. "I have to admit I'm glad you didn't come all this way to rehash old arguments."
Erik felt his resolve waver a little faced with Charles's expectant expression. Before he thought about it, he was on his feet, moving across the room to stare out the window, out at rolling lawn. It was almost a shock to look outside and not see the white sands and bright sea; it was also a shock how much more he thought of this view as home when he'd lived there so briefly. "The first time I came here, after we...parted, you asked me if I'd come because I had changed my mind."
"Yes, I did," Charles said.
"Is that what you wanted to hear?"
"It was what I hoped to hear," he answered. "But it wasn't what I expected."
One of the most difficult things about Charles was that he was so infuriatingly honest and yet so controlled at the same time. When Erik felt like he was ready to fly apart with the contradictory feelings battering inside of him, Charles managed to convey his hope and his longing without it ever coming across as weakness. He supposed it was because Charles didn't see his emotion as weakness to begin with. Erik drew a deep breath and asked the question that had brought him to the mansion that day. "What would you have said if I had changed my mind?"
Erik could hear Charles's sharp breath, a sign of surprise that ware rare for the telepath to feel or to express. He kept his eyes trained on the lawn, knowing that his tense stance and fisted hands revealed enough of his stress. He didn't dare risk exposure of his expression to someone so skilled at reading every line of him by turning around, even if he wanted to search Charles's himself.
"I would've..." Charles's voice trailed off, as if he were still thinking about what his response would've been. "I would've said thank god," he finally admitted, the words soft and aching, like it hurt to say them. "I would've said...come home. And I would've worried that I was somehow making you say it, even with Shaw's helmet, because I wanted it so much."
It felt like a vice in his chest to hear Charles speak so plainly, and Erik wasn't sure if that clutch he felt was a good or bad sign. But it compelled him to speak when he still hesitated, because he couldn't stop from answering that longing with a confession of his own. "As much as I felt like I had to leave you, I didn't want to. I wanted you by my side, almost more than anything."
"Yes, almost," Charles said. It was brittle, even a little bitter, especially coming from Charles. He cleared his throat. "What are all these questions in aid of, Erik?" he asked, voice breaking a little on his name.
He finally turned around, away from the window, knowing that as much as he wanted to hide any weakness he might reveal, he couldn't say the rest of it without seeing Charles's face. Charles had turned his wheelchair around to face his back, so their eyes met almost immediately, a familiar moment between them. Erik swallowed once before he finally answered. "And what would you say if that's what I came to tell you today?"
"That you've changed...?" Charles gave up on the question when Erik answered it with a sharp nod. He released a breath that had a sound in it that could've been laughter or disbelief. Charles looked down at his hand where it lay on the armrest of his wheelchair and Erik thought he would choke on his apprehension. "I'd want you to be sure, first and foremost. That you meant it and that you were doing it for the right reasons."
"There are right and wrong reasons for changing your mind?" Erik asked.
"Yes, there is," Charles told him. "It wouldn't be fair to anyone if you weren't sure, if you weren't certain you would really wanted it. To come back, only to leave again the next time we couldn't agree...it wouldn't be fair to anyone, but especially not the children. It would be disruptive and detrimental."
Phrasing it as they had in hypotheticals had made it easier for Erik to shape the words, but it could only carry him so far, especially when he was looking into Charles's wary, worried face. He realized guiltily that, like always, Charles had given all the ground in the conversation while letting Erik remain hidden behind his what ifs. It was particularly unfair when he also had Charles's memories in his head, the surety they brought with them that, if everything else had changed in the almost-two years they'd been apart, Charles's feelings for him hadn't.
"I wouldn't," Erik said after a long moment of silence. "I won't. I...it's what I've been doing these last months. Making sure, thinking about it. It made me realize it's something I haven't done enough of."
That earned a ghost of a smile. "You have wonderful instincts and you rely on them. I understand that."
Erik didn't have to be a telepath to know that that diplomatic reply boiled down to calling him reactionary. "I know what you're really saying, Charles," he told him. "And maybe I agree with you a little. It's a hard habit to break after so many years. Reacting is what kept me alive, focusing on Shaw and my revenge, it's what gave me a reason to wake up every morning. The Brotherhood was a new reason."
"You mean it was a new specter to chase to keep from having to think too deeply about what you were doing and what you might change," Charles said bluntly. Erik couldn't stop the old, cutting look he shot his way, but Charles remained unperturbed. "I'm not wrong."
"I thought a war was coming," Erik explained. "I still do. But I also think I have -- time." He moved back to his original seat at Charles's side, using his power to smoothly angle the wheelchair so that they remained facing each other, so he could watch Charles's expression change and flicker as he thought about his words. "There are better things I could do with these years, Charles, than throw matches at a powderkeg that's primed to blow anyway."
"That's not a very optimistic metaphor, Erik."
Erik determinedly continued speaking. "We both want to help our people, protect them from danger. Lead them into the future. I'm willing to see if there's a place for us to do that together, if you'll let me."
There was a tremor in Charles's hand as he raised it to brush an errant strand of hair from his forehead. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"
Yes, Erik thought at him, finally giving up on words. I'm asking, Charles, if you'll let me come home.
Charles's eyes went wide and startled, his mouth rounding in surprise. Erik knew he should've probably delighted more in surprising someone who was so rarely shocked, but he had too many knots inside to appreciate much of anything as he waited for an answer.
"You want to come back and help with the school?" Charles asked, still cautious like he couldn't let himself trust the conversation just yet.
"And Jean," Erik added. "I want that, too."
"Understandable. I...." Charles just kept looking at him, then his lips quirked up in a hint of a smile. "I'm honestly speechless. I'm not sure what to say."
Erik reached over and covered the hand closest to his with his own. "Say you'll let me," Erik told him. "That this is something you want and that you think, really think, that we could find a way to do all the things we want for mutants and we can do it together."
"Do you think I could say no?" Charles asked, his widening smile incongruent with the rough emotion in his voice. "You've come here and...yes, of course. I've always thought so but especially lately. We can find a way."
"I'll have to disband the Brotherhood, as it exists now," Erik told him.
"You didn't tell them about this? Not even Raven?"
"Not even her," he admitted. "Although Emma has some idea of what I was thinking. I think they'll go their own way." He gave Charles a look. "Your sister might even choose to go with them."
"I've come to accept her independence," Charles assured him. "Though I would feel better if she decided to come home as well. But it's her life to live, not mine."
"I'll make sure she knows all of that," Erik said. "I think it will mean a great deal to her."
"You're not the only one who has to make preparations," Charles told him. "I have to tell, well, everyone."
Erik knew that "everyone" consisted mostly of the four young men who made up the remnants of their original team who'd stayed with Charles -- Alex, Hank, Sean and Darwin. And he'd learned enough during his past visits to know it would no easy task to break the news to them when they all had very strong opinions about Erik and his actions for the past two years. Once again, Charles would have to bear the weight of Erik's choices, taking on whatever anger and objections they'd raise at Erik's return.
Charles turned up the hand under Erik's, turning the touch into a clasp of hands. "If we are going to move forward, it can't be with thoughts like those, Erik," he told him. "It can't be about guilt or the past. We'll drive each other mad with it."
"You're already making yourself at home in my head again," Erik pointed out, though it was said lightly, teasingly.
"I only hear what you think too loudly," Charles reminded him. "And your guilt is very loud. It doesn't need to be, not between us."
Erik had no answer to that, not one that wouldn't break Charles's declaration against guilt and wallowing in the past. Instead, he gently broke the touch of their hands, clearing his throat. "I think I'll...go," he said. "Give both of us time to...prepare."
"Do you want to see Jean before you do?" asked Charles, even as he nodded his agreement with Erik's decision. "I can have Sean bring her down."
Erik considered it but decided against it. "The next time I see her, I want to know I'm not leaving her again," he revealed. "It can wait a little longer."
"You'll be in touch, then?" Charles asked, folding his hands in his lap.
He nodded. "Soon." Erik rose to his feet and let his hand linger on Charles's shoulder for a moment before he stepped away. "Until then."
He was almost at the door when Charles's voice stopped him. "Erik?"
Erik paused, trying not to think how much it reminded him of that first visit he'd made here. This time he was leaving secure in his welcome, but the parallels still made him uneasy. "Yes?"
"When you say you want to come back," Charles began slowly, face turned away from Erik and the door. "Did you just mean that you wanted to come back to what we're building here or did you mean you also wanted to come back to...me?"
The obvious uncertainty in the question left Erik truly shocked that Charles didn't just know -- not because he was a telepath but because he thought it had to be obvious. "Charles," he said, the name more than breath and voice. "How can you not know? I have never...that I would never..."
"I saw, in Raven's mind..." he explained. "Something between you."
"There can only be one thing you saw because there was just the once," Erik told him. "It was before we even left here and it was nothing. She was looking for consolation and I gave her what I could even if it wasn't in the way she wanted."
"I know," Charles said, his face still turned away. Erik watched his profile, the blandness of his expression that might fool the children he taught every day, but not him. "But things can change."
Erik was across the room before he thought better of it, proving that even with his newfound appreciation for thinking, he was still reactionary at his core. He slid back into his chair, letting his hand smooth over Charles's cheek, cupping his jaw and forcing him to look into his eyes, to read his sincerity there and in his thoughts. "Not that," he told him firmly. "Never that."
Charles released a long shuddering breath as if he'd held it since the conversation started. He leaned in until his forehead rested against Erik's, until Erik could feel the soft, comforting press of Charles's mind against his own, reminding Erik how bereft he'd felt without it in those last years. "If I didn't love you," Erik admitted aloud, for the first time. "It wouldn't have been so hard."
Charles pulled back a little so his eyes could meet Erik's and, for the first time, Erik didn't care what he might see in them. After a moment, a perfect quiet moment, Erik leaned in and pressed their mouths together, as much a promise as all the words they'd shared. Charles relaxed into the kiss, hands reaching for Erik to clasp into the fabric of his shirt, pulling him as close as they could get with the metal of Charles's wheelchair in between them. Erik had no desire to ever leave the circle of their embrace, even though his reasons for leaving were as sound now as they'd been moments ago. But he ignored them in favor of kissing Charles again and again, arms around him as he'd dreamed about for so long but had never let himself really have, not until that moment.
Oh, my love. Charles's mental voice was soft and dreamy, the way Erik always remembered his eyes from the one night they'd spent together before the world -- and Erik -- had pulled them apart. Welcome home.
**
End of Part 12
**
Author's Notes: OMG WE'RE SO CLOSE TO THE END. This is the first time I've posted a chapter and haven't already had the next chapter ready to go, so I'm going to try my absolute hardest to have the final chapter to y'all on time, before the end of the week.
Author: Regann
Pairing: Charles/Erik (XMFC)
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~5,100 for the chapter (total: 65,000)
Warnings: mpreg
Disclaimer: I don't own anything; I just play with them.
Notes: None.
Summary: In the wake of Cuba, Charles and his students are ready to pick up the pieces and work toward achieving Charles's dream of a safe haven for young mutants. Those plans, however, take a surprising turn thanks to a very unexpected complication. As he slowly builds a future for his students and for his child, Charles struggles with the loss of Erik and the secrets he's willing to keep to protect his family, but those strides are shattered when Erik makes a startling reappearance into his life. [mpreg, kidfic, ensemble]
Previous Parts available at LJ, DW and AO3.
An Earlier Heaven (part 12)
As fall swept over the manor, Charles found himself even busier than he'd expected. The addition of three new pupils to his small student body was more complicating than he'd realized it would be, with so many different age groups and learning levels now represented among them. It offered a new educational challenge that had Charles dedicating more of his time to teaching the fundamentals than he had in the past semesters. Adding to that complication was Jean who, at close to fifteen months, had taken to walking like a duck to water; keeping up with her, along with the other students, was proving enough to keep all of them busy for quite awhile.
There had been no further communication from Erik, not since Jean's birthday, but Charles tried not to give up hope. He knew that Erik and Raven were well because Hank still received regular letters from Raven, and he'd even received a few himself. His sister didn't mention Erik in her missives and Charles could admit that he was too proud to ask outright. Knowing that he was safe would have to suffice until Erik decided to initiate contact on his own.
Truth be told, life was full enough that Charles seldom had a chance to ponder the problem of Erik, which was a blessing in disguise. The only time he really allowed himself to think about him was in the quiet moments he had with Jean, when she would look at him out of her eyes in a certain way or make a certain face that was so reminiscent of her absent father that Charles couldn't stop himself from thinking of him. Those moments were coming more and more as she grew up, he realized, as her features changed with age. It was a strangely thrilling development to look forward to, getting to see the way she'd continue to change and grow over the coming months and years.
Just like the weather, his boys continue to settle with the change of season, a calm among the group that seemed unique in the years since they'd come to the manor as a group. Hank was coming out of his self-imposed exile, finally becoming confident enough in his new form that he didn't shy away from the looks he received from the new students or from the friendly contact he received from people other than Charles, Alex or Sean. If Charles tried to explain the change in his demeanor, he would say that Hank was enthusiastic again, exhibiting an excitement that had been missing for a long time. Charles knew that this change had a lot to do with his correspondence with Raven and he mentally sent out his gratitude in the vain wish that the miles that separated them wouldn't matter given the connection they'd once shared.
Alex was experiencing a similar blossoming thanks to the dual influence of more authority over the students and the steadying presence of Darwin at his side. All those years ago, Charles hadn't had the time to notice how quickly and resolutely the two of them had bonded, but he'd become aware of it later, first when he'd struggled to help Alex deal with his grief over Darwin's death before the Cuban mission, and then later when Darwin's absence had been another hole in Alex's heart after Raven and Erik had left. His return had not only brought back a valued member of their family but it had helped Alex in ways Charles knew he'd never have been able to without that miracle. In retrospect, their fast friendship reminded him a little of himself and Erik, a parallel that didn't even bring with it the wistfulness it might have at one time.
Sean continued to have a deft hand at dealing with their younger students, at ways of making them all feel at home and welcomed even when they missed their families desperately. It was a knack that Charles had, too, but only thanks to his telepathy, so it was a marvel to watch Sean work his magic without that support. For all they teased the young man for the occasionally unfortunate things that sometimes came out of his mouth, he was showing a maturity beyond his years when it came to role in the academy and he was so amazing with Jean that Charles despaired to think of what they would've done without him. Even if Jean's first words hadn't been "Banshee," it wouldn't surprise Charles if some facsimile of "Sean" wasn't within her first ten.
He just hoped that another sudden and dramatic appearance by their former teammates wouldn't upset the equilibrium they'd all found.
Charles had his answer soon enough, on a late September afternoon when they least expected a visitor to disrupt their schedules. He and Hank were finishing up a session in Cerebro, going over the results from the last few uses to find ways to calibrate its amplification and data recordings to better respond to Charles's needs when a knock came at the door to the room where they housed it. A moment later, Darwin's head appeared, looking serious but apologetic.
"Sorry to interrupt, but I think you're needed upstairs," he said to Charles, not even bothering to step inside.
Charles could sense his urgency, but it wasn't an emergency. He frowned. "What's wrong?"
Darwin looked startled. "You can't sense it?"
"Cerebro leaves him a little...patchy," Hank admitted. "He has to give himself some time to, ah..."
"It's like a high," Charles explained. "The words Hank is dancing around are 'come down,' I believe the vernacular is."
"So you don't know who just stopped by?" Darwin asked.
"No," Charles answered. "Who?"
If possible, Darwin looked even more concerned. "Erik."
Charles immediately understood the sentiment. "By himself?"
Darwin nodded. "And without his helmet," he added, and Charles breathed a sigh of relief. "Not that that matters much if you can't use your powers."
"I'm spotty, not helpless," Charles assured him. "I'll readjust soon enough. And I work better at close range. Is he waiting for me?"
"Yeah, he asked to speak to you," Darwin told him. "I left him and Alex exchanging menacing glares to come look for you."
The thought of Alex and Erik left alone for any length of time without supervision galvanized Charles into movement. Even if Alex had mostly come to terms with his feelings toward Erik, Charles didn't see any reason to test his resolve on the point. "You're right, I am needed upstairs," he said, already pushing himself toward the door that Darwin held open. "Hopefully we'll get there before we have to referee them."
As they moved closer to the pair in question and the residual effects of Cerebro continued to fade, Charles could sense them both, enough to know that they were both whole and intact. Still, it surprised neither he nor Darwin to find the two of them still locked in a glaring match when they reached the foyer. Alex's was more openly hostile, but Erik had had years to perfect his cool, disdainful gaze. It helped keep Erik's so chilling because he was honestly more baffled than irritated by Alex's lingering resentment, which only reminded Charles of how easily Erik still could miss the obvious answer even when it was presented to him.
"Erik," he said aloud once he reached the foyer, watching as two sets of eyes swung his way. "This is a surprise."
Erik's expression was difficult to decipher, which made it even harder for Charles to resist the temptation to skim his mind for deeper meaning. Still, he resisted. "I wanted to talk to you," Erik said, now ignoring Alex and Darwin.
Charles waited a beat, thinking, before he nodded. "Of course, we can go into my study." To Alex, he said, "Thank you, Alex, for keeping Erik company until I made it up here. But don't you have something...?"
Alex's scowl faltered. "Are you sure? I could hang out if you needed me to."
It was Erik's turn to glare at Alex but Charles shook his head. "No, it'll be fine. Go on."
Alex wasn't convinced and it took Darwin gently tugging him away by the arm before he finally headed out, still shooting warning glances at Erik over his shoulder.
Charles shook his head a little, amused. "Come on," he told Erik. "It won't take long for him to double back."
Erik was silent on their way to the study which was fine with Charles because he was still trying to decide how he felt about this unexpected visit. Again, Erik had come without his helmet or the other trappings of Magneto, but he'd come alone without Raven. Did that mean something was wrong? A cursory read of Erik's mental state reminded him much of how Darwin's had been when he'd announced Erik's arrival -- urgent, nervous but not a true emergency. What, then, had brought Erik there after months of silence?
Erik had barely closed the door behind them before Charles was speaking, getting his worst fears out of the way. "It's not Raven, is it?"
"Raven?" Erik echoed.
"She's not hurt or anything?" Charles asked. "She didn't come with you, so I can't help but wonder if..."
"No, nothing like that," Erik assured him, taking a seat in the chair closest to Charles. "She's well. This isn't about her."
Charles relaxed a little. "Thank you," he said, although he wasn't precisely certain what he was thanking him for. "So you came here to see me about something else?"
Erik nodded.
Charles waited for a moment, but Erik didn't say anything else. "You're going to have start," he reminded him. "I can't tell myself why you're here."
That amused Erik, tugging at one corner of his mouth as he relaxed a little, losing some of the militant tension in his shoulders. "I'm actually certain you could, Charles."
Charles smiled back. "Still, conversations work better when I don't have them all by myself," he said. "So tell me what brings you here."
Erik's expression regained the terseness it had lost the moment before. "I meant what I said at Jean's party," he began. "I don't want to miss any more of her life. She's my daughter, too."
"Yes, she is," Charles agreed.
"I know you planned on keeping her from me," Erik continued. "But I was under the impression that we'd come to some kind of agreement against that the last time I came here."
"I think we both know it's too late for me to do such a thing," Charles said. "Now that you know, you'd never let me get away with it."
"No, I wouldn't," he admitted. "It's...important to me. She's important to me."
There was nothing but honesty in Erik as he spoke, a fact that made something in Charles's chest clutch painfully, but in a good way. "I won't keep her from you, Erik," he said. "As long as you come like this, without...everything else, you'll always be allowed to see her. You and Raven are always welcome to visit, although I can't say that I'm willing to extend that privilege to all of your associates. But to you and Raven, our doors will always be open...if you want to come by."
Erik looked down at his hands for a moment, clearly searching for the words he needed to express what he was feeling. Charles let the silence linger and kept his powers close, refusing to violate Erik's trust by searching for them in his mind. After what seemed like an eternity, Erik spoke. "What if I don't just want to visit her? What if I want more than that?"
The question made Charles go icy all over because it was so close to what his fears had been in those first months after Erik had found out, concern that Erik would send Azazel in the middle of the night to abscond with Jean and take her half-way across the world. That sounded like what Erik was suggesting now, that he be able to do more than just visit Jean and, as giving as Charles wanted to be on the point, there was no way he could imagine letting anyone walk out the door with Jean -- not even Erik, not even after the tentative truce they'd forged on the matter of their daughter.
"Erik," he began, already using his mind to reach out to Sean who had Jean with him, to make sure that she was safe and sound and where she was supposed to be. "I...I don't want to be unreasonable but I can't...I can't do that. If you're suggesting that I let you take Jean from here, I can't allow that. I'm sorry, but I can't."
"That's not what I meant," he said, shaking his head a little, frustrated by his own inarticulateness. It was strong enough that Charles could sense it without any extension of his powers.
Erik's eyes met his and Charles could see it there, along with a yearning for something that he couldn't name, something that Erik obviously couldn't put into words. "Then what did you mean?" he asked. "Again, I can't say anything until you tell me what you want me to know."
"I did come to speak to you about Jean, about being part of her life," Erik said. "But that's not the only thing I wanted to talk to you about. There was other matters that I want your opinion on, but there...I've never been one for talking, Charles, you know that. It's difficult."
"I seem to remember we did fine with conversation," Charles teased gently. "I don't think you're as bad at it as you think."
Erik met his eyes again, something lighter in their depths. It eased Charles's concern to see it. "Yes, philosophy, ideology, politics...I'm sure we could still talk all day on those things without trouble. But this -- what I've come to say is more important than that. At least to me and, hopefully, to you."
"I will listen," Charles promised. "I'll listen to every word you have to say, for as long as you need me to. We've shared so much between us, my friend. What are a few more words?"
Erik's eyes were pale and serious, burning with an intensity Charles hadn't seen in a long time, not directed at him without anger as their source. But there was no anger in them at that moment. "Everything," he said. "They may be everything."
**
In all his decision-making, Erik had never given thought to what it would be like to force the words out of his throat, to open his mouth and admit to the thoughts tumbling around in his head. He had things he needed to say that he'd never said to another soul before and he had no experience to fall back on. He grappled with the things he wanted to say, even as they hammered at his skull to be let loose -- words of apology, words that explained the changes to his hopes and dreams, words that admitted that he was willing to accept he might've been wrong, that he was willing to compromise to find out.
As he struggled express it all verbally, Erik wished for a moment that he was willing to just let Charles read it all from his mind, saving him from the frustration he felt in that moment, but he couldn't, both for himself and for Charles. These were words he needed to say and, he was fairly certain, they were words Charles needed to hear if they had any chance.
Erik shifted in his chair, still searching for a place to start. "I don't think we're ever going to agree about the humans," he said, because it was important to make sure Charles understood on this point. "I think when they find out about us, they're going to come after us and they're going to do it with everything they can. I won't watch mutants suffer at their hands."
"I hope you don't think that because I'm not an advocate for mass human genocide that I wouldn't protect my students, my family or any mutant I knew needed my help," Charles replied. "I may have hope that we'll be able to make humans accept us but I'm not going to allow our kind's annihilation either."
Erik knew it intellectually but it was easy to forget the nuance of Charles's philosophies sometimes, when all he could see were the gulfs between them instead of the bridges that connected their worldviews. He acknowledged Charles's words with a quick nod. "I'm just trying to be honest with you. I want you to understand exactly where I'm coming from with what I have to say."
"So this isn't the main event?" Charles said with an echo of humor. "I have to admit I'm glad you didn't come all this way to rehash old arguments."
Erik felt his resolve waver a little faced with Charles's expectant expression. Before he thought about it, he was on his feet, moving across the room to stare out the window, out at rolling lawn. It was almost a shock to look outside and not see the white sands and bright sea; it was also a shock how much more he thought of this view as home when he'd lived there so briefly. "The first time I came here, after we...parted, you asked me if I'd come because I had changed my mind."
"Yes, I did," Charles said.
"Is that what you wanted to hear?"
"It was what I hoped to hear," he answered. "But it wasn't what I expected."
One of the most difficult things about Charles was that he was so infuriatingly honest and yet so controlled at the same time. When Erik felt like he was ready to fly apart with the contradictory feelings battering inside of him, Charles managed to convey his hope and his longing without it ever coming across as weakness. He supposed it was because Charles didn't see his emotion as weakness to begin with. Erik drew a deep breath and asked the question that had brought him to the mansion that day. "What would you have said if I had changed my mind?"
Erik could hear Charles's sharp breath, a sign of surprise that ware rare for the telepath to feel or to express. He kept his eyes trained on the lawn, knowing that his tense stance and fisted hands revealed enough of his stress. He didn't dare risk exposure of his expression to someone so skilled at reading every line of him by turning around, even if he wanted to search Charles's himself.
"I would've..." Charles's voice trailed off, as if he were still thinking about what his response would've been. "I would've said thank god," he finally admitted, the words soft and aching, like it hurt to say them. "I would've said...come home. And I would've worried that I was somehow making you say it, even with Shaw's helmet, because I wanted it so much."
It felt like a vice in his chest to hear Charles speak so plainly, and Erik wasn't sure if that clutch he felt was a good or bad sign. But it compelled him to speak when he still hesitated, because he couldn't stop from answering that longing with a confession of his own. "As much as I felt like I had to leave you, I didn't want to. I wanted you by my side, almost more than anything."
"Yes, almost," Charles said. It was brittle, even a little bitter, especially coming from Charles. He cleared his throat. "What are all these questions in aid of, Erik?" he asked, voice breaking a little on his name.
He finally turned around, away from the window, knowing that as much as he wanted to hide any weakness he might reveal, he couldn't say the rest of it without seeing Charles's face. Charles had turned his wheelchair around to face his back, so their eyes met almost immediately, a familiar moment between them. Erik swallowed once before he finally answered. "And what would you say if that's what I came to tell you today?"
"That you've changed...?" Charles gave up on the question when Erik answered it with a sharp nod. He released a breath that had a sound in it that could've been laughter or disbelief. Charles looked down at his hand where it lay on the armrest of his wheelchair and Erik thought he would choke on his apprehension. "I'd want you to be sure, first and foremost. That you meant it and that you were doing it for the right reasons."
"There are right and wrong reasons for changing your mind?" Erik asked.
"Yes, there is," Charles told him. "It wouldn't be fair to anyone if you weren't sure, if you weren't certain you would really wanted it. To come back, only to leave again the next time we couldn't agree...it wouldn't be fair to anyone, but especially not the children. It would be disruptive and detrimental."
Phrasing it as they had in hypotheticals had made it easier for Erik to shape the words, but it could only carry him so far, especially when he was looking into Charles's wary, worried face. He realized guiltily that, like always, Charles had given all the ground in the conversation while letting Erik remain hidden behind his what ifs. It was particularly unfair when he also had Charles's memories in his head, the surety they brought with them that, if everything else had changed in the almost-two years they'd been apart, Charles's feelings for him hadn't.
"I wouldn't," Erik said after a long moment of silence. "I won't. I...it's what I've been doing these last months. Making sure, thinking about it. It made me realize it's something I haven't done enough of."
That earned a ghost of a smile. "You have wonderful instincts and you rely on them. I understand that."
Erik didn't have to be a telepath to know that that diplomatic reply boiled down to calling him reactionary. "I know what you're really saying, Charles," he told him. "And maybe I agree with you a little. It's a hard habit to break after so many years. Reacting is what kept me alive, focusing on Shaw and my revenge, it's what gave me a reason to wake up every morning. The Brotherhood was a new reason."
"You mean it was a new specter to chase to keep from having to think too deeply about what you were doing and what you might change," Charles said bluntly. Erik couldn't stop the old, cutting look he shot his way, but Charles remained unperturbed. "I'm not wrong."
"I thought a war was coming," Erik explained. "I still do. But I also think I have -- time." He moved back to his original seat at Charles's side, using his power to smoothly angle the wheelchair so that they remained facing each other, so he could watch Charles's expression change and flicker as he thought about his words. "There are better things I could do with these years, Charles, than throw matches at a powderkeg that's primed to blow anyway."
"That's not a very optimistic metaphor, Erik."
Erik determinedly continued speaking. "We both want to help our people, protect them from danger. Lead them into the future. I'm willing to see if there's a place for us to do that together, if you'll let me."
There was a tremor in Charles's hand as he raised it to brush an errant strand of hair from his forehead. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"
Yes, Erik thought at him, finally giving up on words. I'm asking, Charles, if you'll let me come home.
Charles's eyes went wide and startled, his mouth rounding in surprise. Erik knew he should've probably delighted more in surprising someone who was so rarely shocked, but he had too many knots inside to appreciate much of anything as he waited for an answer.
"You want to come back and help with the school?" Charles asked, still cautious like he couldn't let himself trust the conversation just yet.
"And Jean," Erik added. "I want that, too."
"Understandable. I...." Charles just kept looking at him, then his lips quirked up in a hint of a smile. "I'm honestly speechless. I'm not sure what to say."
Erik reached over and covered the hand closest to his with his own. "Say you'll let me," Erik told him. "That this is something you want and that you think, really think, that we could find a way to do all the things we want for mutants and we can do it together."
"Do you think I could say no?" Charles asked, his widening smile incongruent with the rough emotion in his voice. "You've come here and...yes, of course. I've always thought so but especially lately. We can find a way."
"I'll have to disband the Brotherhood, as it exists now," Erik told him.
"You didn't tell them about this? Not even Raven?"
"Not even her," he admitted. "Although Emma has some idea of what I was thinking. I think they'll go their own way." He gave Charles a look. "Your sister might even choose to go with them."
"I've come to accept her independence," Charles assured him. "Though I would feel better if she decided to come home as well. But it's her life to live, not mine."
"I'll make sure she knows all of that," Erik said. "I think it will mean a great deal to her."
"You're not the only one who has to make preparations," Charles told him. "I have to tell, well, everyone."
Erik knew that "everyone" consisted mostly of the four young men who made up the remnants of their original team who'd stayed with Charles -- Alex, Hank, Sean and Darwin. And he'd learned enough during his past visits to know it would no easy task to break the news to them when they all had very strong opinions about Erik and his actions for the past two years. Once again, Charles would have to bear the weight of Erik's choices, taking on whatever anger and objections they'd raise at Erik's return.
Charles turned up the hand under Erik's, turning the touch into a clasp of hands. "If we are going to move forward, it can't be with thoughts like those, Erik," he told him. "It can't be about guilt or the past. We'll drive each other mad with it."
"You're already making yourself at home in my head again," Erik pointed out, though it was said lightly, teasingly.
"I only hear what you think too loudly," Charles reminded him. "And your guilt is very loud. It doesn't need to be, not between us."
Erik had no answer to that, not one that wouldn't break Charles's declaration against guilt and wallowing in the past. Instead, he gently broke the touch of their hands, clearing his throat. "I think I'll...go," he said. "Give both of us time to...prepare."
"Do you want to see Jean before you do?" asked Charles, even as he nodded his agreement with Erik's decision. "I can have Sean bring her down."
Erik considered it but decided against it. "The next time I see her, I want to know I'm not leaving her again," he revealed. "It can wait a little longer."
"You'll be in touch, then?" Charles asked, folding his hands in his lap.
He nodded. "Soon." Erik rose to his feet and let his hand linger on Charles's shoulder for a moment before he stepped away. "Until then."
He was almost at the door when Charles's voice stopped him. "Erik?"
Erik paused, trying not to think how much it reminded him of that first visit he'd made here. This time he was leaving secure in his welcome, but the parallels still made him uneasy. "Yes?"
"When you say you want to come back," Charles began slowly, face turned away from Erik and the door. "Did you just mean that you wanted to come back to what we're building here or did you mean you also wanted to come back to...me?"
The obvious uncertainty in the question left Erik truly shocked that Charles didn't just know -- not because he was a telepath but because he thought it had to be obvious. "Charles," he said, the name more than breath and voice. "How can you not know? I have never...that I would never..."
"I saw, in Raven's mind..." he explained. "Something between you."
"There can only be one thing you saw because there was just the once," Erik told him. "It was before we even left here and it was nothing. She was looking for consolation and I gave her what I could even if it wasn't in the way she wanted."
"I know," Charles said, his face still turned away. Erik watched his profile, the blandness of his expression that might fool the children he taught every day, but not him. "But things can change."
Erik was across the room before he thought better of it, proving that even with his newfound appreciation for thinking, he was still reactionary at his core. He slid back into his chair, letting his hand smooth over Charles's cheek, cupping his jaw and forcing him to look into his eyes, to read his sincerity there and in his thoughts. "Not that," he told him firmly. "Never that."
Charles released a long shuddering breath as if he'd held it since the conversation started. He leaned in until his forehead rested against Erik's, until Erik could feel the soft, comforting press of Charles's mind against his own, reminding Erik how bereft he'd felt without it in those last years. "If I didn't love you," Erik admitted aloud, for the first time. "It wouldn't have been so hard."
Charles pulled back a little so his eyes could meet Erik's and, for the first time, Erik didn't care what he might see in them. After a moment, a perfect quiet moment, Erik leaned in and pressed their mouths together, as much a promise as all the words they'd shared. Charles relaxed into the kiss, hands reaching for Erik to clasp into the fabric of his shirt, pulling him as close as they could get with the metal of Charles's wheelchair in between them. Erik had no desire to ever leave the circle of their embrace, even though his reasons for leaving were as sound now as they'd been moments ago. But he ignored them in favor of kissing Charles again and again, arms around him as he'd dreamed about for so long but had never let himself really have, not until that moment.
Oh, my love. Charles's mental voice was soft and dreamy, the way Erik always remembered his eyes from the one night they'd spent together before the world -- and Erik -- had pulled them apart. Welcome home.
**
End of Part 12
**
Author's Notes: OMG WE'RE SO CLOSE TO THE END. This is the first time I've posted a chapter and haven't already had the next chapter ready to go, so I'm going to try my absolute hardest to have the final chapter to y'all on time, before the end of the week.